Episode 2_CONNECT

Podcast made with love for late night listeners. Catapulted back into single life? In Episode 2, the big question is, what new chapter will you create for yourself this year?

I share my 5 guiding principles and ‘fail fast’ strategy for success - to set you up with a clear mindset before you dip your toe back into the dating vortex.

In this short, sharp & candid six part series, I share personal bedtime stories for you to find the resilience & courage to start again.

I do have a corker of a bedtime story from my dating closet tonight, that has influenced all of my interactions online...curl up, listen, goodnight world.

You are not alone in your loneliness.  

Back yourself and take a leap with me in 2024.

Wait, there's more:

AUDIO_
For this six-part series, listen to music playlists curated for each episode. Spotify playlists:

• Late Night & Lonely_ EP1 Leap
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP2 Connect
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP3 Visual
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP4 Verbal
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP5 Play
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP6 Love

VISUAL_For 60 second snackable topics head to latenightandlonely on Instagram & TikTok.

Produced by unscripted&co.
Be inspired. One. Story. At. A. Time.

Understanding the pursuit of human connection is a love affair of mine.

Transcript

LATE NIGHT & LONELY_EPISODE 2_CONNECT_

Produced by unscriptedandco
                                                                                                                                                    
Introduction_

Welcome to Late Night & Lonely, with Shelley.

Are you comfortable? 

When life takes an unexpected twist and you’re single again, middle aged, heart in a thousand tiny pieces, a solo parent with no libido & a cobwebbed vagina – I resigned myself to being a nun. 

Is it possible to piece it all back together? Did my clitoris die along with the divorce? Am I alone in my loneliness? 

I in 4 people in this world are lonely and I’m on a quest to make a connection.

Close your eyes…if you dare to dream …take a leap with me.

Welcome to Late Night & Lonely & thank you for joining me. 

I’m Shelley and wherever you are in the world - I hope you’re curled up somewhere, taking time for yourself. 

Late & Lonely is about the pursuit of human connection, because when its late and you’re lonely, it’s what we long for…and it’s what we seek out online. 

I say this as a reminder – because - it doesn’t matter who you are, where you’re from, your background, race, religion, preference, orientation, gender, what you own or what you earn – fundamentally we seek out the same - there are millions & millions of  lovely people lying awake right now, wanting exactly the same thing as you; a friendship, intimacy, a lover, a companion until your last breath.

I’m sharing conversations & my personal bedtime stories exploring how to connect with your kind of human & start your new chapter. 

In Episode 1 I asked the question – are you ready? 

Are you ready to launch back out into the dating world, allowing yourself to be vulnerable & open, in order to find a mutually feel good connection. 

It’s a gargantuan task when you’re lonely – to hold yourself in the highest regard with self worth, unwavering & uncompromising - refusing to settle for anything less than you deserve – when you start to feel a bit desperate - like I did. Retaining your integrity & keeping your self-worth in check - is key to your success - you can do it and you’re not alone.

Tonight, I’m going to share my 5 guiding principles and ‘fail fast’ strategy for success – to set you up with a clear mindset  - before you dip your toe into the digital dating vortex.

And I have a corker of a bedtime story from my dating closet that has influenced all of my interactions online. 

But before we get there - the next most pertinent question in the process of beginning again is  - what do you want right now? What are you hoping for? Your goal, your objective - will govern how you set your stall out online. 

So – let’s rip the bandaid off – why are you here? What are you looking for? 

Identify with me and make me feel comfortable in your company and ‘you get me’.

I ask because I sit with this very new podcast and – and ask myself - why am I here – and how did you and I cross paths? 

There are 7 billion people on this planet – you are not an island unto yourself. This life is a collective experience where human connections are the lifeblood of our entire existence.

If you are here with me right now then the chances are your journey….is a little bit like mine… not planned, and single again at an age when you least expected it.

I’m here because - my Disney sing-a-long happy ever after dream - didn’t work out - and it hasn’t become a tragedy - like I first thought.

We don’t get married for it to end. We don’t invest in another human - to have to walk away from them a few years later. The person that we chose to share ourselves with - was the never the person we expected to say goodbye to. 

No one ever expects or plans to start dating again in your forties or fifties or any age after a long term relationship. Nothing prepares you for it. 

One aspect that is unexpected and has always drawn me back to date again – because I’ve had a lot of dates - is that so many people are muddling through it, on exactly the same path - unsure, uncertain, uneasy about what next – and lonely! - and there’s no shame in this – there is a level of empathy without needing to explain yourself– because - neither of you intended to be here…right now. I mean, I didn’t.

Nowhere on my future life plan when I married and started a family - was for it to be single again – and I wonder - can you relate to this? 

Growing up in the 80’s - Disney movies sold me this dream - that I would have a ‘love of my life’ and it could only be a ‘he’ – and he would arrive on a white horse, heroic and dashing and we would live happily ever after! I don’t remember anyone showing me the alternative Disney version - where I would be selling my wares to any man holding a dead fish - on Tinder – hoping he will love me and - my haemorrhoids from hours pushing a baby stuck in my pelvis three years ago and ‘sorry, I can’t go on a date this Saturday because I’m going in for a hell-ra operation and my rectum will be in stitches and I’ll be shitting soup for the weekend’. No . No carnival clairvoyant on a rainy day in Blackpool saw that in my tealeaves! Or - that there were any other options other than heterosexual monogamy until the end of my dry vagina days!

I was socially conditioned to believe that one day I will have my love story. I hung my happiness on it. 

Disney movies were my childhood staple – and on repeat for girls – I shaped my future female love story on four Disney stereotypes: 

1/ I will meet the love of my life but will die straight after childbirth 2/ if still alive - as a spinster I will seduce widowed men for their money and hate his children and become an evil step-mother –3/ I am infact - the ugly step sister-character, equally as malicious as the mother with oversized feet or 4/ petite and porcelain with a poetic operatic voice - always in need of being rescued. 

I - was all freckles with bright orange hair & the face & body of Frankenstein, mercilessly bullied by girls, repelling boys that dared look at me –and accepted only by the debating team – and the idea of lying around waiting to be recused gave me shivers. Only the balls of a giant like Shrek stood any chance of battling dragons and then taking me on – I mean I’m just not the obedient, tameable, damsel-in-distress type and never was. Yet - it didn’t deter me from dreaming about a magical kind of ‘happy ever after love’ for all of my days….

…..And…. this can be real – right? Let’s call it what it is. Some of my dear friends – and yours – right now - live to tell this tale. They are the mirror daily showing us that Disney’s happy every after can come true. And these are relationships that I celebrate – just because it didn’t work out that way for me – doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy their triumphs. These people, their love stories - give me hope…and my parents. Who are still googly eyed fifty years on – they light up my world because for all of my life – I was raised by two people – in love – and my Mum fell pregnant in school – working class England in the seventies - it was me – or her education. She could not have both. My teenage parents have loved each other - my entire life.

My children - have never had that – a home with the stability of a united love - and it is a guilt I can’t shake off. The life I desperately wanted for them – is out of reach, forever unattainable – Mum and Dad loving each other and living together raising them. Instead – it’s been a white knuckle ride trying to do the best I can as a solo parent – but…I chose to turn it around… 

…I live to tell the tale that you can create a new path that is positive & fulfilling FOR YOU. 

But listen – make no mistakes - only YOU can do it!

Dating again isn’t the solution to ones life  – I’m not pedalling false hope here - I don’t believe that a relationship or meeting someone is the antidote to anything – no one else is responsible for YOUR happiness.

BUT – and this is why I’m here - positive human connections are fundamental to our sense of belonging and well being. 

Actively seeking out others -  dating again - has been a healing tonic for me – I’ve met humans whose lives are equally as freyed & worn & unpredictable tapestries just like mine –  and we’ve been muddling through it together - and I wonder - is that you? Is that why you’re here? 

Connecting with people like you - plugged me back into my electric grid of owning my loneliness not as a weakness - but as a catalyst for my desire for company, nudging me forwards to find friendships, reigniting my passion & lust & loving again.

So how do you show up in the online world with your colourful tapestry – out in the public domain?

To shed my old skin, ready to be vulnerable again – and to show my authentic self – warts and all – I had to own my scars. You might call it emotional baggage and I’m addressing it right now - because it always rears its head online – ‘what does, he, she, they drag in from the past’ - but it doesn’t define you – or make you less appealing – don’t fear your past – it can be the opposite - the scars from the fight to keep my family together – not being prepared to give up my Disney singalong dream – I’m proud that I gave it everything I had in the tank – that’s my strength of character, right there. 

I thought. my love. could be the glue – and that theory of mine was exercised and failed – love can connect us - but it doesn’t keep us together. Loving with complete devotion, isn’t a failing – that’s a beautiful human trait you have right there. 

By the time you hit middle age, with life experience under your belt – it is clear - a marriage - a long term relationship is so much more than loving someone - and at 47 - what a dollop of enlightenment that was for me. 

Don’t believe that your scars, emotional baggage and pain can’t heal or will repel someone. Anyone who has walked in your shoes – and wants the same kind of connection as you – your kinda tribe, your kinda love, your kinda preference, your kind of yeah baby, your kinda human - holds you and your emotions and your past with care, tenderness and respect. 

I come to you now as a much more tolerant, understanding, gentle human because my love hurt. I’m a better version of me in middle age.

I see you and you see me. And. This is a wonderful basis for a new human connection. 

Own all that you are – be authentic - when you start dating again. Your colourful, wonderful you. No apologies.

A few years ago I said ‘I’m ready to move on now” But - it propelled me to a new place and a new question – so what now? What I’m am ready for, what am I looking for?

At this junction of your journey - what do you want right now? In life, in a connection?

Ask yourself – right now.

What do I want in a new adult human connection? Can you define it? And it’s okay - if you don’t know. 

Opening the online dating door, you will be prompted to give some indication of a search criteria -  in this moment only – it will guide your photos, your profile, your radius, your matches and your willingness to meet someone – and this may change over time. 

If you’re new – keep it simple - be open to exploring new connections – what you are drawn to - may surprise you!

When you first load an app or a platform and connect to the dating realm– you enter an adult candy shop & there is an opportunity to lick a thousand flavours. And trust me, when you’ve only had baked cheesecake for fifteen years, you’re gonna try crème brulee, followed by pistachio and a triple side order of dark chocolate ganache. You’re single now. And when you realise your last breath might be closer than you think – your going to live, and live a little more!

Anyway, it’s baby steps – finding your kind of human - it’s a marathon – not a sprint and I eventually pursued my love story. 

In the meantime – you can have some guilt-free adult fun! 

So. Where do we begin?

The first rule of engagement on a dating app and the first unit of currency is a photo – and here’s the deal - I’m going to give you this gift of time tonight – because I made a big mistake at the start with photos – and my methods of madness were doomed to fail.  

Blowing the lid right off the online dating process - I will share all that I have learnt about photos’ - after this bedtime story – tonight it’s called ‘Man in Photo’.

Everyone that I knew in Australia – was through my daughters’ peer group and I was the ONLY single Mum at the time. When I was ready to start dating again, I had a whole lotta vavavoom in my step at school, I was on my Jane Fonda exercise bike morning -noon & night – and little did I know, I was about to unashamedly taste a lot of new flavours - and without an ally – over the next few years my dating life raised a lot of eyebrows by the Disney Parent Group.

So, when I first started online dating there was no one to ask for recommendations. 

At the time Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, Elite Singles & EHarmony did not come up in my search!

When I googled my forty year old age bracket, I dipped my toe on a website called ‘plenty of fish’ and indeed there’s a lot of fisherman looking for a catch – forgive the pun – I don’t think half of you fish - but anyway…..

‘Plenty of Fish’ was one of the original – OG - dating sites out there with a reported million babies spawned from all of the connections and - 2 billion page views per month, I decided to dabble. 

It was my maiden voyage!

Plenty of Fish was a great newbie platform for you to find your my feet writing about yourself and to other people - you can directly write to people that you are interested in – without matching. It is really up to them, if they want to read your profile and look at your photo – which I didn’t have – cough, cough – they can reply. I was agonsingly shy and it was the only dating APP I could find where I didn’t have to use a photo to create an account. I thought I could connect ‘for who I am’ and not what I look like. Go on, roll your eyes – I was very green!

The Prompts are: Name, age, gender, type, interests…and you can refine as you go.

The part that I found confronting – is that in order to browse – you need to set your intention. What do you want right now? ‘Hook up, dating, relationship……’ and it pools from that group into your search. I’ve no idea – I was NOT ready for a relationship but NOT wanting a quick shag or a slow one for that matter – and NOT looking for a bingo partner either ….. I probably would have ticked ‘desperate’ but the only box left was - ‘dating’. 

And then you’re in! 

Now – this is that moment that you play ‘Thunderstruck’ by AC/DC to understand what happened next. Play it – on Spotify - cue soundtrack.

And then….I had to hold on to the sides of my desk and I wept. My desktop computer started populating itself with MAN, lots and lots and lots of MAN staring at me – and 35 pages deep! These men were living in my city – I lost track of the head count – there’s like 600 single men here within a 40k radius of my house  – kind of in my age bracket – I mean maybe I had cast a wider net the first time around! 

I hadn’t been with MAN for a long, long time! I was processing one new man every 13milliseconds – I had to throw my shirt off – and my LuluLemon’s - I’m like – my flatlined clitoris and it’s 15,000 nerve endings just found pulse – and it’s starting to swell to 300 times it’s size – which it is designed to do – by the way! 

Then – and then - I saw him. He had me at hello.

Wearing a green Patagonia top drinking a green juice on a park bench. He had a funny, self-deprecating headline and a short profile that just tickled my fancy, something along the lines of ‘here we are in the ocean of fish, I’m a blue grouper looking for someone to play in the coral with’. It was silly and cheesy & I liked it. 

I sent him a really conservative message back – hi – your profile really resonates with me…

I sent a few other messages to other men, what do I have to lose at this point. 

As a part of your account on POF, you have an email chat page and mine was…a week later….empty. Not a sniff of a reply from anyone. 

Until, one morning – I had a message! I got a text! Green juice guy – incoming. I was like a cocker spaniel on caffeine – seriously – I didn’t realise quite how desperate I was until Mr Green Juice made like an asteroid into my life.

Mr Green Juice had somewhat lost his humour when I opened his message. ‘Hi no face, you are a hypocrite, taking the time to check out men on here but not being honest enough to fess up with what you look like. No photo. Never going to happen’.

Now, in my head, before I opened the message –  I had already decided an outfit for our first date – so this approach from him was a little bit of a setback perhaps!

My personality is not one to accept defeat straight away so – I indulged in a reply and explained that I was new & shy & that it looked like I could send photo’s within the chat TO HIM - which I was willing to do’.

Mr Green replied again. ‘No thanks – this time with a line written in French that started with an unusual eloquence - something along the lines of ‘ I’m looking for someone of substance that is prepared to own all that they are. With a sign off “Have a nice life’’.

I’m cool with that – I studied French and my folks live in France – I understood his frenchy brush off - and I replied - in French ‘For a man that wants a woman of substance, relying on visuals is an equal hypocrite’. And so, Mr Green and I had our first lovers tiff! We began a heated debate BACK AND FORTH about the ethics and rules of online dating – in which he continued to call out my lack of transparency without photos.

After a few days of messaging and eventually sending photo’s within the platform and sharing some of the standard stats like - he has several brothers and sisters, French is a second language, he has a degree in sales - we started to slowly peel back the layers of each-others’ lives.

He completely took me off guard. His messages were long and detailed – he corresponded with humility and emotion and at times was really vulnerable about his past and his childhood. We seemed to go really deep – really quickly.

It was the first man in fifteen years that I had shared personal and intimate conversations with - not salacious – but more philosophical - and some of you would have hit the snooze button – right – but – weeee clicked, albeit by texting on a dating site late at night.

I was enamoured and intrigued. 

But - patterns of behaviour started to emerge.

After we had bid goodnight he always messaged first in the early hours of the morning around 3am where I would wake to his greetings ‘ Bon Matin ma Fleur De Lys’. I mean this guy was charming the pants off a lonely woman with french linguistics – it didn’t take much. If he’d have said good morning le fruitcake I would have been just as arrested by him. 

He was a welcome moment in my orbit – alone at night when the children were sleeping, stealing a quiet couple of hours - sharing a meaningful conversation with someone – who seemed to be on the same page. I was really taken by this guy – I was happy with the slow pace but thought…maybe we should meet. We messaged, day and night. I couldn’t help thinking how we would be in a physical space if we were this connected, already.

I asked about the suburb he lived in -  in Brisbane – this is what I had put in my search criteria. His response was a little illusive. So, I was more pointed ‘where do you live and what’s your job, exactly? I woke the next morning – and…he was gone. His account deleted, no trace of him, no trace of our messages. Nothing. Gone.

I know what you’re thinking – gullible am I. Yes – I was completely gullible - but – the truth is – I had NO idea that this was normal, OR IS a normal thing for someone to do online – just disappear.  

The term for it is called ghosting. And it’s heavily debated – but I’m not done with this guy yet……

I was curious – who is this person that I have just spent weeks getting to know and deletes himself?! I’d be okay with a cordial goodbye. We’re not in the schoolyard! But gone…?

I’m not a stalker, I will respectfully walk away, accept rejection – but it didn’t make sense – I couldn’t believe that what he shared about his life was a fabrication. Bullshit? To what end would you waste your time, day in and day out messaging someone at length - to disappear - and zero balls to say –  I don’t want to talk again. 

I didn’t know whether I should forage to find out more - or leave it. 

I had taken a screenshot of Mr GreenJuice when we first started messaging – it sounds like weird behavior but it’s not – I thought he was attractive – I liked to be reminded of who I was talking to.

I dragged and dropped his screenshot into google images – never done it before – not expecting a result - and boom! There was Mr Green Juice same exact photo in a green Patagonia, sipping a green juice on a park bench …..in…San Francisco? With lots of other recent photos that came from inside a US Twitter account with a full name and daily Twitter feed - living in America. 

This guy had a digital footprint open for all to see – Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook and – with his new fiancé, happily out walking their dog together, yesterday. I was horrified….for this man – oh my goodness – there is someone in Brisbane right now - using this poor guys’s photo from America on Plenty of Fish. Mr Green Juice is now guilty of identity theft!

I know what you’re thinking! What was I thinking. I was bereft of any of sanity - and – some of you seasoned online dating folk know where exactly this is going – but I didn’t!

I was intent on being a good Samaritan – something positive had to come out of this…..! 

I hopped straight back onto the business platform LinkedIn – and like Mary Poppins on a mission  - messaged this poor, unfortunate  ‘Fortune 500’ guy, and outlined respectfully that he needed to know that someone was stealing his identity on a dating app in Brisbane and he should be extra vigilant with his open digital footprint, signed Shelley, linked to my profile – verifying who I am!

Within an hour, my LinkedIn account had been shut down – deactivated/ deleted - citing a breach of confidentially and misconduct – on my part. My business network, my work contacts gone – which starting all over again as a freelancer meant that I was just rebuilding my profile back. I was mortified.  LinkedIn refused to reinstate it – citing ‘further investigation’ at the time.

As the penny was really dropping, I went back to this Mr Fortune 500/Green Juice/ whoever the fuck are you guy’s - social media accounts – and of course, they were now all private. 

Is it possible – that for weeks and weeks - I had infact been talking to THIS GUY in the US? 

The time difference with messages were now making sense – but he appears a happily engaged man with a beautiful fiancé and a new puppy and a gazillion sales accolades under his belt across his entire social media? He has a fully fledged life with someone else – why, why - be on a dating site professing to be single - & open to connect?!

I was REALLY confused. This is a THING?! 

I was// (bad edit here) infuriated with myself for being easily taken in.

I had been deceived so many times by my ex-husband that I couldn’t bring myself to think that I had just been duped all over again in my very first chat with a guy online – and it had taken me two years to have the confidence to connect again!!!

I’m no detective but I would dig one more time – I needed to know? Is this guy in the US freaking out because he genuinely thinks I’m a loon on LinkedIn and has never heard of me - or is he duplicitous and has the power to sabotage my reputation on a business platform for fear of his own retribution? 

I didn’t have to look far. I had his full name. On one of his business profile’s – was a long biography – Mr Green Juice, this time in a suit at a sales event receiving an award in the US, his photo, his full name, listing several sisters and several brothers and infact, he is French. I stepped down. For whatever reason - he won’t reconcile with his double identity, he was no longer worthy of my time. 

The irony is that even when he used his own photo – he was the one being disingenuous in the end.

Welcome, to cat phishing. 

The world of people who create fictitious single persona’s online with just a couple of photo’s and a profile.

What you see online, is often not what you get.

And AI is starting to wreak even more havoc…with scams, bots & fake accounts. 

So. To set yourself up for success at the start – and have any hope at making authentic connections - you need to be crystal clear with how the online dating process works.

I’ve since met wonderful, delightful men - real authentic men that nudged me one step closer to my new love story. 

I’ve made sure that the Mr Green Juice experience was not wasted – collectively the shitty connections - taught me golden strategy nuggets to help me find the sparkling ones – and so can you!

To make the online dating process work - I etched these 5 - guiding principles into my mindset:

1. FAIL FAST. I’ve learnt not to waste time messaging someone. No more long and languid text messages, no more indulgent merry dances for weeks on end – I get straight in, get to the point, if we match and text for a couple of days, let’s talk, if the talk feels good after a few consistent chats, I’m hopeful for a date and am not shy in asking for one - anything else – too busy to talk, too many other people on the go, mixes up your name, I’m fifth in line to date this week – I don’t bother, I’ve been a single Mum with two children, working full time – and value my time – I don’t entertain big string-a-long texting courtships.  

Failing fast is a BIG mantra of mine. 

2. PHEROMONES. Remember. The online world exists to get you back into the real world = for shared company. My No 1 objective is to find a mutually feel-good connection – and the ONLY way to truly get to know someone, to spark and crackle and find tangible chemistry or a platonic soulfriend is to meet in person – in a physical space. Where pheromones speak to each other. 

Use ALL of the online dating tools in the APPS to work for you - every single element of that journey -  my photo’s, my profile, my texts & my phone conversation’s I used as BIG sorting machines. These are the tools in your arsenal to sift, sort and attract your kind of human – to ultimately share company with them – and see how your pheromones collide when you meet in person!

3. ETTIQUETTE – withhold - your emotional and mental investment when making those first matches & messages - because until you go through the steps to physically meet someone – an online person owes you nothing – nothing – not a goodbye – a cordial ‘no thanks’ – forget it  - and will sometimes disappear as quickly as they appeared. There are no rules of etiquette online. Better to know now than to find out when you are invested – wave them on their way – au revoir  - do not waste one minute more. 

4. TRUST. Never trust a persona that someone creates for themselves with a fab photo and a few lovely words. This does not prove their authenticity. Or make them deserving of your time. Ever. You will need to discover way more delicious & satisfying, compatible, verified information - before rolling your life out like a red carpet freely on a Friday night. Of course, it happens – but you make that choice.

5. The most important. SAFETY. I was willing to share A LOT about myself with Mr Green Juice – infact – I did. He was a charming wordsmith and my eagerness to be liked let me drop my guard. 

The online world - is your FIRST point of contact - to find out if there’s a compatibility, an attraction perhaps, mutual interests…you don’t need to give out your privacy or your phone number or link your social media account. Most apps NOW you can have an in- app video and phone chat – and there are messaging apps like KIK & xxxxx that don’t need phone numbers. Your safety is absolutely paramount! 

These 5 principles have governed all of my interactions since. You don’t have to agree. They worked for me.

Coming back full circle – if you are going to apply any of these principles – the question is – what are you looking for? What kind of human do you want to share your time with? GOAL

Knowing this - can have a direct impact on the kind of profile you write, the platforms you use and even the images you share. I call it the GTM – the go to market strategy and we will dive into ALL of this - in Episode 3….

Wherever you are on your dating journey - slay - with your authentic self. Use these 5 principles and see if they work or you too?! Never stop believing in yourself and being your unique and amazing you!

I do hope you’ll join me for another bedtime story next week.

Feel free to send me your questions or watch 60 second snackable topics at Late Night & Lonely on Instagram.

Closer_

I would like to bid you goodnight in the only way that I know. I’m an old hippy at heart.

Take a deep breath. Remember - we are under the same sky, with the same stars and the same magnificent oceans around us. We are a formidable force and we are insignificant all at the same time. Wherever you are, shine your beacon of light, don’t ever doubt yourself, back yourself. 

I am here living my own chaotic imperfect path. You are not alone in your loneliness. 

Wishing you the sweetest of dreams & the strength & courage for the new day tomorrow. 

Goodnight my global friend,

Shelley 

This podcast is produced by unscripted&co
Be inspired. One. Story. At A time.