Episode 1_LEAP. Are you ready to fall in love again? *Audio Podcast. Curl Up. Listen in.

Starting over can be as liberating, as it is challenging. I'm here to help you kickstart that new chapter with confidence.

In Episode 1, I look at the reasons why connecting is important and the No1  fundamental aspect you need to start again - and it isn't what you think! And tonight - the big question is, are you ready to take a leap?

When your world is turned upside down by a divorce, loneliness and social isolation can be a direct result. Knowing how to start again can be confusing. Trying to make new connections in the online realm can be even more exhausting.

How do you know when you are ready to date again or are open to loving again?

In this short, sharp & candid six part series, I share personal bedtime stories for you to find the resilience & courage to start again.

As a qualified intimacy coach & primetime broadcast producer, I dive into divorce, single parenting, low libido, intimacy and how to navigate the realms of online dating to set you up for success.

The wild statistics are that 40-50% of marriages in developed countries end in divorce and we are not prepared for the aftermath.

Understanding the pursuit of human connection is a love affair of mine.

You are not alone in your loneliness. Let's begin again with gusto!

Wait, there's more:

AUDIO_
For this six-part series, listen to music playlists curated for each episode. Spotify playlists:

• Late Night & Lonely_ EP1 Leap
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP2 Connect
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP3 Visual
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP4 Verbal
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP5 Play
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP6 Lov

VISUAL_For 60 second snackable topics head to SHELLEY UNSCRIPTED on YOUTUBE

Produced by unscripted&co.
Be inspired. One. Story. At. A. Time.

Understanding the pursuit of human connection is a love affair of mine.
www.unscriptedandco.com

Transcript

LATE NIGHT & LONELY_EPISODE 1_LEAP_

DURATION: 22’17 

Introduction_

Welcome to Late Night & Lonely, with Shelley. 

Are you comfortable? 

When life takes an unexpected twist and you’re single again, middle aged, heart in a thousand tiny pieces, a solo parent with no libido & a cobwebbed vagina – I resigned myself to being a nun. 

Is it possible to piece it all back together? Did my clitoris die along with the divorce? Am I alone in my loneliness? 

I in 4 people in this world are lonely and I’m on a quest to make a connection.

Close your eyes…if you dare to dream …take a leap with me.

Main Script_

Welcome to Late Night & Lonely and thank you for joining me.

I’m Shelley  - and wherever you are in the world - I hope you’re nestled,  taking some quiet time for yourself. 

You’re probably wondering – what on earth this podcast is about – it’s new – and – who is this strange woman – is she worthy of my time? 

Late & Lonely is about the pursuit of human connection, because I know firsthand that when its late and you’re lonely, it’s what we long for…it doesn’t matter where you’re from, who you are, what’s your background, race, religion, preference, what you own or what you earn – fundamentally we seek out the same - there are millions & millions of sublime women & men lying awake right now, wanting exactly the same thing as you; that might be a friendship, intimacy, a lover, a life-long partner.

I’m sharing conversations & my personal bedtime stories exploring how to connect with your kind of human & start your new chapter. There is still hope (PHASES) & you’re definitely not alone.

Where do we begin? How do we dust our self - off and try again? 

Meeting someone ‘by chance’ can happen and some of us will remember the days where it was the ONLY way to do it – it takes time and you need to be out in the world – willing and available – and in the right places - because birthday parties & sports fields with our children or a morning walk with the dog are not events conducive to sniffing out new suitors – and often you’re amongst a sea of couples anyway. The conundrum is amplified when we do have time to connect and there’s no one to share it with. It’s a cycle of defeat.

This is where it takes an industrious & curious mind to retreat to the comfort of your couch or to curl up in your bed and download a dating app or three. I’m a huge advocate for window shopping with a cup of tea dunking a malt biscuit in my dressing gown. 

The stark fact is that connections in the 21st century happen in reverse – if the end game is to meet physically - where chemistry might spark or a companionship is nurtured – be prepared for the first whiff of a human to be a digital persona online.

There are 330 million people across 8,000 dating apps globally – why – because they work. And the wild stats say that 70% of people that meet online continue on to a romantic relationship – infact this is even higher for my age bracket 43 – 58 at 72%. My brother met his wife on Tinder, my neighbour met his partner on Bumble and my football Mom friend met her husband online after not one match on Tinder, but success 7 weeks later on elite singles and they’re still together.

The paradox with online dating is - that its worse than you can imagine & better than you ever expected. I never thought a man would tell me that he’d rather vacuum his house than go on a date with me, I don’t even think he had a vacuum cleaner - I have a gallery of dick picks that I never asked for, and then the next guy took a plane trip to Spain just to share dinner together. 

Whatever person you’re looking for - we go to pretty crazy lengths to meet with someone in a physical space.

I want you to listen to this podcast and take something away that feels good and gives you hope second or third time around – and that might be a kick up the ass to keep going, the catalyst to start dating again or the fortitude just to back yourself when no one else will. 

So, before I jump into the first episode - the point is for me – and call it my disclaimer if you will:

Unless you've had a long -term relationship breakdown, or your family unit has fallen apart, or your life has been turned upside down by a divorce, or you’re a caregiver alone - people around you don't know what it feels like. You know, the power of one is a much more vulnerable position to be in. 

Loneliness can be debilitating, and being heartbroken can be traumatic. And all manner of depression, anxiety, mental breakdown, consumption to excess, and suicide is often a cause of being on that journey on your own constantly and being isolated. And I’ve been there.

Knowing how to start again and make new connections isn't easy, but it is absolutely possible! If one person takes courage or finds strength from any of my podcasts -  every bit of my time here is worth it.

And so I want to share a story with you – when have a moment - a crossroads in life….and the choice is  - to back yourself or not – I’m rewinding to my turning point with dating – tonight’s bedtime story is called ‘Leap’!

It was a sunny day in Brisbane, Australia. I was greeted by a lady with bright red lips and thick brown hair. Sorry - I really don’t remember her name. Maybe…Vera?! She walked me along a cold, lifeless hallway. Not the ambience I had expected at ‘the top dating agency in Brisbane’. For a place where love and hope might greet me, if she’d asked me to identify a dead body,  I wouldn’t be surprised. It only takes 10 seconds to make a first impression and I was already thankful that it was a free consultation. 

She was eager to find me a match and investigated my likes and dislikes. I was fairly frank with her because I don’t what my type is – I’ve just fucked the same guy for the last 15 years and even when I loved him balding with a belly, he had affairs and eventually I had had no pulse. So - her guess is as good as mine. 

Then she hit with me with it, her piece de resistance. Out of a grey filing cabinet, came the pile of photos. Vera was very pleased with her photos of middle-aged men. She lay them down and said I had to make a pile of yes, no and maybe. She scurried off giving me 15 minutes to decide which guys to ‘hypothetically’ go on a date with. 

When she returned, there was one pile and she had a coy, cheeky grin ‘ooh, this looks exciting’. I told her it was a ‘no’ pile. And immediately she had the appearance of sucking hard on a lemon. This was never going to end well. Vera picked up one photo and thrust it at me ‘what do you mean – this guy isn’t your 10 out of ten’ and I said – look- firstly I don’t rate men out of ten and I’m totally new at this - and secondly – he looks like David Hasselhof and David Hasselhoff happens to look very much like my Dad – so you might be getting fanny flutters in your knickers – but I’m not’. 

She stood up, yanked her skirt down over her American Tan tights and pointed a finger at me – absolute, honest truth she pointed at me - and I’m a grown woman – and said - I quote - ‘listen love, there are five single women to every single guy in Brisbane and unless you lower your standards, I can’t help you’. She frogmarched me back along the hallway in silence and turfed me out. (dry mouth)

If I thought that I was broken hearted when I found out my husband was cheating on me again carrying our second child, this moment unravelled it all.

‘What is wrong me?’ 

What she didn’t realise is that it had taken me two years to pluck up ALL of my courage and ALL of my fear to stand there in her dating agency and say to myself on the inside ‘I can do this’. 

That morning I’d shoved my sagging tits into a bra, hauled my ass into granny pants, put my pride in a box, and sucked my low self-esteem into a shabby old handbag and here I was sobbing like a baby in one of the busiest high streets in Brisbane.

And I’m a stoic Englishwoman and I had complete and utter paralysis -  ‘what - is wrong with me?’

In your most defining moments, only you have the answer - and for me it was to either go up, or to go down. And I refuse to live on my knees.

Because…

I have two beautiful children, that I am gifted to raise by myself in Australia. They are my two external hearts and give me the purpose to stay standing for them and my days are filled with mother love - but - when I put them to sleep, reset the house with school uniforms, throw my work clothes onto the ironing board and curl into bed. I listen to their silent sighs in the dark. Here we go again. Me, Shelley. Late night & I’m lonely. 

As a single parent, what has crept in over the last two years, and it had really crept slowly up on me – is that – after being in a long and loveless marriage that I’ve been lonely for a long time.

Standing in the street that day, I made a decision. Being alone is something I can’t change right now, it is something that I accept. My family are overseas, my lifelong friends live in London and my ex-husband lives in Indonesia – if I want to talk to someone – the time difference means they’re all asleep anyway.

But - what I can change - is my loneliness. 

That night, I signed up to every single online dating site that I could in Australia. I went two feet in- backpack - bottle of champagne and a straw.

And had ‘Fuck You Vera’ written on my forehead! I’m like let’s go! 

The point is, the most crippling circumstances of your life can become the catalyst for your biggest periods of growth. And I just had to go for it - and back myself.  

If you are starting a new chapter, like me. Everything you think you know about yourself. You need to think again… 

…and I’m a sceptic! It’s why I was at that dating agency in the first place - I couldn't bring myself to go online because I thought I would lose the integrity of who I was and there was a shame and stigma attached to finding love in the digital domain.

Well -  you need to scratch that notion and take a leap with me. 

I’m here with you, to show you that you have the capacity to make meaningful connections – if this is what you want. 

Right now, you are a blank canvas.

 Whoever you are, wherever you are - what is it that you need to know to get started or to jump back in again? What can I tell you? 

I wish I could tell you that online dating is easy - but it isn’t. It is wild and it is terrible, it is wonderful, it is exhausting, it is confusing, it is exhilarating, it is disastrous and amazing and soul-sucking and it is mind blowingly bonkers – but it works – if you know how to work it. 

The benefits for me - far outreach dating – because you don’t need to seek out romance- to go on a date,  right? Our needs and desires are far more complex than an emotional attachment.

But what exactly does this mean? What other benefits are there? 

I learnt how to move through my loneliness and not sit in it. Rather than lamenting it, enjoying being completely alone - can be your strength.

How to make friends with rejection. It will be your best friend. Because you let people come and go - with less invested at the outset.

How to dust yourself off and wear armour with resilience to continue against the odds. Because some days are great - but shit always happens.

You will have a renewed sense of not giving up & actually not giving a fuck about what people think of you - as long as you stay true to your moral compass of being a kind & caring human – you will have your own back and you’ll STOP seeking out someone else to validate you. Trust me – this - is liberating.

It takes a long time…..but you will get there.

And some things you discover about yourself – are completely unexpected - I also learnt that I am an intrinsically sexual woman - when I once faked orgasms and obliged a good dry hump every now and again. I didn’t want to reject my ex husband or hurt his feelings. I thought love was the glue…and my low libido as par for the course of becoming a mother. I resigned myself to being an amoeba with no sex drive – I didn’t think I’d want to be intimate again, ever.

False. The truth is, and it goes way back - female sex education is an abomination! I can be a mother and reclaim myself unashamedly - as a juicy sexual woman in my forties! I’m writing a book about it – I won’t digress.

Being single & alone in middle age - means you to get to really explore your sexuality – my femininity is now on my terms.

I have learnt what turns me on and what kind of a human I want to have an intimate relationship with.

I’ve learned how to be naked again – and this was a really big horrendous roadblock for me. I mean, I make no apologies that when I take my bra off I say ‘catch’ - I need a guy with good reflexes.

I’ve learnt how to have sex without being emotionally involved. I don’t think I’d ever done that before. 

I’ve had a friends with benefits arrangement which fit perfectly trying to be a wonder-woman super mom, long working days, nurse, chauffeur, tutor and being able to unleash my inner seductress.

I have reshaped my boundaries with what I will tolerate & what I won't tolerate in a relationship – and that’s now in any relationship. 

Being on your own again forces to draw a line in the sand with what you are worth – “what is my value here, how much do I value myself?’ It teaches you to stay or to go. Squeezed through the mincemeating machine of online dating - it simplifies the process – you are with me - or not with me? You wanna date or you don’t? Moving along! Goodbye. 

Or, when you start to understand how to work the machine - you might cross paths with someone exquisite - and when your heart sings, neither of you can resist it.

There is something about starting again and for me that’s been in my forties - where you know yourself so well that your levels of respect and what you expect in return are very very clear. 

When you are single, the most gratifying aspect is that you do things when you are ready. It’s an empowering position, that you never have to give up again. 

AND SO - The BIG question is – are you ready? 

Ask yourself – right now.

Am I ready to meet someone? 

Am I ready to be vulnerable? 

This is really important because most of us at middle age come with emotional baggage – that’s okay. Trust, hurt, protecting ourselves – am I willing to be vulnerable again?

Am I ready to learn that I am not everybody’s cup of tea and people I like, won’t like me but some will be mutually delicious!

If the answer is yes – then this is your call to arms to start dating again – or – if you’ve given up after a few years of bitter disappointment – then you need to grab all the gusto you have in the tank to jump back in. 

If there is one single distillation of truth – and you never want to hear my voice or podcast again – that’s fine..no hard feelings, move along….it is this:

I repeat. There are 330 million people using 8,000 dating apps across the world. ¾ of online daters are looking for a commitment – and half of all online users say they meet people through their shared hobbies. People use online dating to find their tribe. 

There are millions and millions of people with ONE COMMON FORCE BETWEEN US ALL – and that is:

Our desire for human connection.

I never expected to be so comforted when I realised there are millions of people here just like me - wanting a hug, so many touch starved women & men and people wanting to share a meaningful space just to hold an honest conversation.

It’s not an overnight process and to start it – because I was painfully shy - you need to be ready, willing & active in making it happen.

It has taken me years to build my shit back together after my divorce, no joke – I’ve had some pretty low times where no one at work or at school could have ever picked what was happening behind closed doors, completely heartbroken.

But, I’m here because I’ve moved through it. It’s taken me five years. I wake up every day with gratitude for what I have, care less about what I don’t have, kiss my children, worry about them and inspire them to go out into the world with a spring in their step.

  Then once they’ve gone to school - I back myself. I really do! I put on my big girl armour and expect the unexpected. Life rarely goes to plan - so you need to have the courage – to take a leap.

Episode 1 – is this - are you ready to take a leap and date again? If you are - then join me at your leisure each week, where I pour a glass of wine late at night and sit with you.

Next episode:

In the next episode, I’ll share my dating tips for success. And by success I mean failing fast & - photos & pheromones – something unique to you - that will ultimately guide you.

I hope you’ll join me for another bedtime story next week. You’ve probably figured out by now that I’m pretty old school in my values, I’ve had four big loves in my life, five pregnancies, one miscarriage, two terminations, one emergency caesarean, one vaginal water birth, one divorce, lost my house, I’m rebuilding my castle again – this time with a portcullis,   an army of archers and drawer full of dildos, I have a sex coaching course under my belt and….. I’ve respectfully dated a lot of lovely people …understanding the human connection is a love affair of mine…and that’s just in my spare time, because I also have a grown up day job. 

Feel free to send me your questions or watch 60 second snackable topics at Late Night & Lonely on Instagram & tiktok.

Closer_

I would like to bid you goodnight.

Take a deep breath together. 

Remember - we are under the same sky, with the same stars and the same magnificent oceans around us. We are a formidable force - and we are insignificant all at the same time. Wherever you are, shine your beacon of light, don’t ever doubt yourself, back yourself. 

I am here living my own chaotic imperfect path. You are not alone in your loneliness. 

Wishing you the sweetest of dreams & the strength & courage for the new day tomorrow. 

Goodnight, my friend.

Shelley 

Produced by unscripted & co.

Be inspired. One. Story. At A time.