Episode 3_VISUAL. Is the desire to connect a part of your primal DNA? *Audio Podcast. Curl Up. Listen in.

How many times is this the question: "Am I too old to fall in love again?" I have an honest answer for you.
 
In Episode 3, I explore three of our primal instincts and why your desire to connect is a part of our human DNA.

In your next step, I offer insights for your ‘go to market’ GTM strategy and unpack why authenticity is the No1 weapon in your arsenal.

Tonight, the big question is what kind of human do you want to connect with?

As a qualified intimacy coach & primetime broadcast producer, I dive into divorce, single parenting, low libido, intimacy and how to navigate the realms of online dating to set you up for success. 

The wild statistics are that 40-50% of marriages in developed countries end in divorce and we are not prepared for the aftermath. 

In this short, sharp & candid six part series, I share my personal bedtime stories for you find the resilience & courage to start again.

Curl up for a bedtime story. Goodnight world.

Podcast made with love for late night listeners. 

Wait, there's more:

AUDIO_
For this six-part series, listen to music playlists curated for each episode. Spotify playlists:

• Late Night & Lonely_ EP1 Leap
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP2 Connect
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP3 Visual
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP4 Verbal
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP5 Play
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP6 Lov

VISUAL_For 60 second snackable topics head to SHELLEY UNSCRIPTED on YOUTUBE

Produced by unscripted&co.
Be inspired. One. Story. At. A. Time.

Understanding the pursuit of human connection is a love affair of mine.
www.unscriptedandco.com

Transcript

LATE NIGHT & LONELY_EPISODE 3_VISUAL_

DURATION: 41’18

Produced by  unscriptedandco

Welcome to Late Night & Lonely, with Shelley. 

Are you comfortable? 

When life takes an unexpected twist and you’re single again, middle aged, heart in a thousand tiny pieces, a solo parent with no libido & a cobwebbed vagina – I resigned myself to being a nun. 

Is it possible to piece it all back together? Did my clitoris die along with the divorce? Am I alone in my loneliness? 

I in 4 people in this world are lonely and I’m on a quest to make a connection.

Close your eyes…if you dare to dream …take a leap with me.

Welcome to Late Night & Lonely & Thank you for joining me. 

I’m Shelley and wherever you are in the world - I hope you’re curled up somewhere, taking time for yourself. 

Late & Lonely is about the pursuit of human connection - when we are starting all over again – because when its late and you’re lonely, it’s what we long for… 

It doesn’t matter who you are, where you’re from, your background, race, religion, pronoun, preference, orientation, gender, what you own or what you earn – we seek out the same interactions - there are millions & millions of delicious people lying awake right now, wanting exactly the same thing as you; a friendship, intimacy, a lover, a hand to hold until the end.

I’m sharing conversations & my personal bedtime stories exploring how to connect with your kind of human when you are looking for the courage to start a new chapter . You can do it – and you’re definitely not alone in your loneliness.

In Episode 2, I asked the question - what are you looking for? What kind of human do you want to share your time with? Because when you start dating again and enter the online dating realm, it can have a direct impact on the kind of profile you write, the APP’s you choose to use and even your photo’s.

I didn’t know what I was looking for – at the start – I remained open to all things – and why not?! It’s a marathon – not a sprint. Be gentle on yourself and take baby steps to begin exploring. You’re single now – your life is on your terms.

Once you’re within an APP it becomes clear with what you lean towards, what profiles and personalities you are drawn to – and any deal breakers and things that are a compete turn-off – there’s a bit of reverse engineering in shaping your next possible liaison in life!

Just showing up and leaping in – is enough to get anyone started!

Tonight, we’re going to look at your online toolkit for the big ‘GTM’ go to market strategy and explore why’ authenticity’ is the No1 weapon in your arsenal.…..it’s a bit of a big episode and longer than usual because we cover, photo’s, a profile AND dating APP’S – so strap yourself in. There are - a few short bedtime stories and the big question tonight is – how do you want to represent yourself online?

But before we dive in - I want to answer a question that I was asked twice this week – because it comes up a lot! Can you fall in love again at 40, 50, or 60, or 70?!

I was at a recording studio and an audio engineer - that I’m working with - started talking about this podcast and he asked ‘My Mum is on her own and she’s really lonely, do you think she could try dating again - at 60’. And then, last night out at a bar, a gorgeous friend of mine who uses three dating APP’s regularly for different needs – said exactly the same thing – My Mum is 66 years old, she’s been on her own for 30 years ago – and she’s really lonely - what APP do you think she should try.

I’ve been asked  ‘am I too old to fall in love again?’…. ‘are dating sites just for young people?’…

There is a really simple answer to all of these questions, but it goes so much deeper than saying – sure, of course - age is just a number.

Three of the biggest commonalities with most of the middle aged men that I have dated and the single women over 40’s that I know and that is: 1) a few years out of a long term relationship and often you become touch starved - craving a hug, really simple, basic needs of warmth & affection – or a desire for intimacy - because it’s been a really long time - number  2) so many people after a big break up - show up in this world outwardly confident and yet behind closed doors have low self esteem that holds them back from trying again and number 3) the biggest common need I see is that we all have a basic human desire for companionship on a deeper level other, than just a quick transaction at the supermarket.

We can all eventually feel comfortable and resilient in being alone – no one is looking to be rescued when you are a living example of independence! We shouldn’t fear seeking out another person to feel good - to pursue mutually pleasurable interactions that put a zing in our step….but…

…we do! We put up barriers up to our own needs being met! 

Why? Fear! For fear of judgement and fear of rejection.

And so – I am going one layer deeper tonight because we need to stop being ashamed to pursue what are primitive & primal basic human needs for us to thrive and flourish!

And believe it or not – these needs are not unique to you – sorry to burst your bubble - they are a part of our, human DNA - humans are pre-disposed to primal instincts. 

Did you know that we are wired to connect!

If are a human you are pre-disposed TO THREE fundamental primal instincts. 1/ the self-preservation instinct 2/ the sexual instinct and 3/ the social instinct. We are inherently ALL three - but it is common for us to have a dominance in one or two. It’s what makes us different!

Take a leap with me here – it’s a quick digression!

Your Self preservation Instinct encompasses a really broad spectrum of survival instincts –our need for food, water, shelter, safety & security – that everyone born on this planet has a right to – equally. No one human is more important than an other. The end. 

The self preservation instinct - manifests also in your physical well-being and health, how well do you take care of yourself – or does your environment allow you to take care of yourself - what are the choices you are making to keep yourself in optimum mind and body. Or self sabotaging. The self preservation instinct governs building the life skills you need to grow and prosper – and for billions of humans – this is a life and death instinct.

Sexual survival instinct. Now, do not confuse this with the act of ‘having sex’ or one-on-one intimacy. Our sexual instinct is in our constitution as a species to attract a sexual partner, to seek arousal and to learn how we seduce to find a mate. This is much more entrenched in procreation and the evolution of our species. 

It governs our pursuit of being desired and feeling attractive. What do we ‘do’ in order to convey that we are compatible to secure a mate or a date - and how does this manifests as an opposing force with our behaviour & emotions when we feel undesired and unattractive to someone? We retreat. The sexual survival instinct sits within with our own perception of self.

Lastly - the social survival instinct – this is our primal need for human connection, governing our identity with how we fit into the world. Shaping who we are instinctively within the ecosystem of the people around us – who we share our lives with and how does our environment influences us. 

We form a sense of belonging and bonding through our friendships, our family and our communities. And sitting alongside the social survival instincts where belonging brings us pleasure, it responds to those connections that bring us pain: death, divorce, separation, grief, heartache, rejection. 

Listen to me. You are innately driven by your human social primal instinct to connect. So why deny it for yourself?

Let me be clear - it doesn’t matter what age you are – you are a primal social being – and your need for companionship and community - and feeling attractive to others & wanted is a part of your DNA. It’s what makes you a deliciously gorgeous, wonderful unique human! Worthy of companionship, and laughter and love – if this is what you want.

You are NEVER too old to seek out falling in love again – if this is what you want. 

You are NEVER too old to reignite your sexual passion again – if this is what you want.

Dating again? Well, sure – this may not be the answer for you - and is not suited to everyone. But it doesn’t mean that you can’t make NEW connections to share good company with - to make new friends! There are free meet up groups and events and courses and book clubs and movie clubs and watch clubs and cooking workshops and enthusiasts for every single hobby out there – and some of the dating APP’s have groups just for platonic relationships too – and there are APP’S tailored to older people, over 50, over 60 - and digital natives - and different communities looking for your tribe.

If you want companionship - don’t apologise. You need to get out there and try to make it happen! You may be surprised by how many people there are - that would love to share your company – when you show up – you will give others the courage to show up too!

I say it and I say it again. You are not alone in your loneliness. Come out, come on out into the world and connect.

We are here together – and if you are taking that leap into the online dating world - we need to go to market!

The first online dating rule is this – and KISS – let’s keep it simple stupid -  the first unit of the ‘connection currency’ is visual – a photo.

Why – because humans are visual creatures. 90% of information transmitted to our brain is visual. We remember 80% of what we see, 20% of what we read and 10% of what we hear. 

What we see - creates feeling.  Sight plays a powerful role in our emotional experience…and the great news for us, is that we are wired to be visually attracted to different features. Phew – we are all drawn to different things. 

A lot of you will already be online – and think this is stupidly basic – but it has a purpose, backed by a strategy.

Photo’s are your first tool in your go-to-market kit! 

The photos you use are fit for purpose and that is for  2reasons: -to speak to others about who you are and to attract what you want? Because – what you want - will determine – what you show & what you write!

Photo’s are the first touchpoint but they are but A PART of your WHOLE SELF is - when you are starting a new chapter!!!

The question is - what photo’s will you use or are you using right now – to represent yourself? How do you want someone to interpret your photos? What do you want your photos to say about you?

Of course – your best self goes forwards - but my photo strategy is – to work backwards. Like attracts like. What kind of a human do I want to attract? Do I want to see? Not a mirror image of me – but a similar sensibility, perhaps. It’s a bit of trail and error. 

Here’s how I choose my photo’s:

Whatever I write in my profile - I will demonstrate in my photo’s:

I choose the Top 4 attributes – that I want to convey about myself - but also I want to see in others: 

1.          Personality – Warmth or humour. I like to look at someone’s eyes – I see kindness in peoples eye’s and I love a great smile, someone who smiles is really attractive to me.  I’m a big believer in the Dolly Parton quote – smile and the world smiles with you’. So I have posted clear photo’s of my face, my eyes, smiling. 

2.          Hobby - Active outdoors. I want someone who likes the outdoors and being in nature – I love my home but I’m at home barefoot on a beach by the sea – so what do I have that shows this.

3.          My world, their world. Being a mother is my biggest role– it’s my happy place – my sweet spot – my proudest place - I’m my cheekiest and silliest - so something from this world – but not with my children in the photo. When I started to look for something more serious – I definitely started trying to match with men that lead with their love of being a Dad. I was looking for a man that adored his children and was proud to be a parent – because the ultimate gift would be to fall in love and & unite our families.

4.          Visual Prescence - Day time vs night time is different – with my game face on – what I will look like on an evening date – vs day date - what I will look like as an adult when you first meet me? I’m caspar the ghost by day and wrestle with curling irons by night.

My photo mantra: Represent the ‘me’ you will ‘meet’. No surprises, no disappointment, no photoshopping.

Setting yourself up for success in the online dating world - means choosing to be your own honest, transparent self – it doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing or what anyone else looks like – you ARE worthy of being liked for exactly who you are visually – right now.

Ask friends to take photo’s of you cooking, at the beach, having a coffee or at the gym or reading…..what’s your jam, what’s your vibe – what do you want in a human????? Reflect THAT back in your photo’s.

And before you even begin to let that inner voice tell you that you are not enough. Take this as a reality slap and gobble it up – online & in real life - there is always someone smarter than you, more intelligent, more glamorous than you, more handsome, more aesthetically beautiful than you – depending on what you perceive to be as beautiful, more hair, more abs, thinner than you, bigger than you, happier than you, more financially stable than you…..BUT GUESS WHAT???
 
 

They’re not you! How amazing is that! 

Fuck the competition. 

Right from the get-go. Get in your own lane. There is only ONE of YOU!

I set up a male friend of mine’s account and wrote his profile and I saw the pool of women I was in – within a 20k radius of my house and his house. Yes – I was COMPLETLEY intimidated. He was a very lucky man - with so many accomplished women with better career’s, and better legs and better hair and bigger homes cooking homemade sourdough, drinking aperol spritz in their alfresco dining chairs - smoking hot in their forties! I’ve been conditioned to look for love with the wrong species perhaps! 

But – ah, you know what - masculinity is my achilles heel. I embrace love in all forms – I celebrate it – love who you want - I am a cis heterosexual woman. Here I am.

I’ve dated Englishmen, American, Spanish, German, French, mixed race, African, Caucasian, Mediterranean, Asian, ….a sleep scientist, lawyer, film director, paramedic, musician, DJ…the list goes on. 

I’ve dated a whole smorgasbord of masculinity because – I didn’t know what my type was – and starting again - I was open to meeting great interesting kind humans - and I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. Often the people I’ve liked – don’t like me. You grow a tough hyde – at speed.

I’m not hiding or shapeshifting or compromising myself – ever again.

Slay in your photo’s with your authentic self. 

Now. Here is my one word of caution to you, though! Because I use the word ‘authentic’ for a reason.

Dealbreaker Numero Uno – is a false photo!!!

You will be in a world of disappointment if you try and trick someone that you are younger, a different human, different background, different status – nothing good will come of it. If you lie at the outset in your photos, you will be found out. It is one of the biggest RED FLAGS online –  the hope of a date moving forwards dies in that moment when they realise - YOU LIED to get them there.

Women and men do it – often.

I have many tales to tell - but I want to give you a male perspective.  

The bedtime stories tonight, have a theme. A collection - called ‘SOS’.

My friend Alex called me on a date once from a public toilet asking for an SOS call. I’d helped him set up his first dating account, took his photo’s against the brick wall of my house and wrote his profile. He wanted to feel attractive to a woman, his wife left him, he hadn’t been intimate in 6 months and I suggest he looked for someone with a mutual interest – JUST  SAY HOOK UP.

We spent Friday nights sitting on the steps of his porch, making dinner for our children and sharing our disastrous dating stories. Spurring each other on. Alex’s sex life took off – he was invited to sex parties, was offered to make sex videos, had many women show up at his house any time of day and night – it was an effortless stream of willing women – he was a very sexually fulfilled man - until eventually he wanted a long term partner, fell madly in love and they have a blended family and a new home together.

But – this one day. I never forget. He had been really excited to meet this lady – he wanted to share his life and family with someone long term. This one. He was super keen on. 

I was babysitting his children. My phone rang late that night and he was inside a men’s toilets in a panic. ‘Shelley’ – ‘help me’ Can you call me at our table and say one of my children are sick? This woman looks nothing like her photo’s, I’m 50 and she has to be at least 70 years old –  old enough to be my Mum’. She’s completely lied to me and I’m going to look like an asshole if I cut the night short’. I said that he just needs to suck it up – have another drink, be respectful to and come home later’. But, perhaps this wasn’t the best advice in hindsight.

My experience and advice to Alex changed over time. Because…. It happened to me twice in close succession – and - it set up a really important pre-requisite for all of the dates I had after that. 

The first guy was sitting on a bench in the Valley in Brisbane - and as I walked past he called out my name and I had to double take – huh- who the what now? He was at least 20 years older than his photo’s, with a significant change in his appearance.  The first time I was pissed off.

My dates were few and far between because I didn’t want to leave my children of an evening every weekend. So I paid a babysitter once a month – that was it - and once a month I was really hopeful! When I realised I’d been duped on a date - I was fuming but  – just like my friend Alex – I didn’t want to reject someone face to face. 

I was curious – is he aware, is this intended, is he deluded? What? He seemed very happy. Like, pleased with himself that I hadn’t noticed. Dinner happened, I mean I had a resting bitch face over my bowl of noodles. He missed all the social cues of ‘I’m not interested’ – and proceeded to lunge at me open mouth for a big pash as I was flinging myself into a taxi. We never spoke again.

The second time – was different. 

I was working overseas and I had a few days off coming up and wondered if there might be another International traveller like me keen to have dinner one night - I flicked on Tinder and after a week or so talking to a guy who was actually in another country but close proximity – he said he had friends in the city I was in – and took a spontaneous plane flight to meet and have dinner. It felt like a date-in-the-movies-kinda-of-a-date. I was so excited! I met him at the gate off the flight in the Mediterranean– and nearly died -when this guy walked over to me. This guy wasn’t the guy in the photo’s. NOTHING, NOTHING like his photos. But his voice was the same and he made a beeline to me - like that long lost love moment in Chariots of Fire in slow motion – except I was deadpan, jaw dropped onto the airport carpet. 

I needed time to figure out an exit plan. There was no chance this date would last longer than it took for me to exit the airport. I was pulling the plug – right there. 

I ushered us quickly into the nearest place to eat – a burger joint - where my inner fury peaked watching him merrily down three loaded American Hot Dogs. I don’t want to be disrespectful to him but he was intoxicated – let’s say. And I was in a panic. What had I done? Why did I not ask to video message beforehand? 

I told him that I needed to go back to my apartment and he kept trying to persuade me to stay. That we should take a ride in his hire car – the one he was about to pick up. I felt nervous - but I had to speak my truth. I was scared of what might happen knowing the effort this guy had made to meet me – now faced with being ditched face to face - within ten minutes of his arrival, in another country. My fanciful idea of meeting my next love on a whim in a European city – burned heat into my chest. Setting myself up to fail – and this time I couldn’t fail fast enough. I was in a public space and hoped that the volume of people around us would temper any big reaction when I dropped the news that I was hotfooting outtta there – alone.

He was not happy. And then he wanted compensation – insisting on money back for the flight. I explained why – what did he expect - and then he admitted that his photo’s were not his photo’s. No shit-sherlock! He just couldn’t get a date ever and said that he was desperate. He didn’t expect it to actually work, but followed through with it because we started talking.

At what point do you think the other person will find out? You can’t hide behind a fake photo – in person?! It just adds insult to the banal audacity of attempting to dupe someone that you are going TO MEET IN PERSON. We are online for the pursuit of a date in the real world…..at some point your cover will be blown - my mind boggles!

He seemed to be a gentle human – downing his second redbull and ordering another hotdog - but said he was completely broken by the lack of interest in him. I offered to pay towards the flight. We talked for a while – he shared a lot about his life - I encouraged him to post real photos next time. And that we both need to follow dates through with a video call, first. It’s the only way to have any chance at meeting someone that really wants to meet you – with real, recent photo’s. I didn’t want to patronise a grown man. 

I cried long & hard after that date. I was still in the airport terminal outside in the warm Balearic evening. Thinking how awful I was to tell someone to their face that I couldn’t spend a minute longer with them – that look on his face. But, I had felt so lured into it that date by his falsehoods. This is not the way, enticing someone with fake photo’s pushed me right out of my comfort zone.

I was also – starkly aware of my weakness at that point - how desperate I must be for company – for daydreaming - and fantasising that I could find a beautiful honest human to match the beautiful country I was in.  

I drove home through the red earth of Andalucia abundant with lemon trees, and olive groves with tall yellow sunflowers and winding mountain tracks overflowing with bougainvillea. It is my heartland and has always permeated my senses with romantic notions. I thought love at first sight could be possible here - if I just tried something out of the ordinary.

My bold and invincible – bit me on the ass that night. I went back home, late night & lonely.

Times have changed – thankfully. Many APP’s use photo verification now, you can send a quick – ‘me now’ at a real time event or sometimes people say – put a blue sock in the back of your shot to know it is current and it’s recent –- or set up a video chat before hand!!

Any of these pre-requisite’s will save you HOURS + HOURS of disappointment & time wasting.

You can have a photo without a profile - but you can’t have a profile without a photo. Photo’s rule in the online world. And. Success means being authentic. 

You get the picture! Moving on…

Next in your online toolkit is a profile. What do you write about yourself?

I live and die by the profile. No profile no match. That’s just me and you might prefer it just to be visual! There is no right or wrong or judgment here. The APP Hinge focuses on this…

For me - I swipe left, delete from a match feed – if there isn’t a profile. I don’t care how handsome, Gucci model abs you have. 

I’m actively looking for a personality to accompany the body on a date. 

Writing about yourself is really hard – though. But a few lines – is it all it takes. Say – intimacy tonight! Dinner without a frisk! Looking for someone to travel the world with. Have two tickets to The Weekend. Let’s Go Bingo! Say something. 

I’m not going to insult you with what to write – but I want you to have a clear understanding as to ‘why you write’. I’m a big advocate for being 100% explicit with what I’m looking for, open to or not open to, who I am and my current situation. It gives you a much higher chance of meeting someone that you are ALIGNED with.

It culls the people that are not interested in who you are - or your world – fail fast! The profile is the biggest sifting and sorting tool in your online arsenal. And you revise it based on where you are in your own personal journey.

Honest straight forward information is best. My four profile points are: 

1.          Current status and intention. At the start – I have stated - recently out of a long term marriage - keen to meet new friends for a drink or dinner – not looking for a serious relationship. BEAT - Of course – if something magical happens then lucky me. but I set my stall out for the least amount of disappointment and expectation that I can. Over time this changed to – looking for an amazing love! 

2.          My world – I write about me as a mother – and that I’m a solo parent. This can be a dealbreaker for a lot of people – so I say it how it is.

3.          My work & my hobbies – this doesn’t have to be dry & boring – it’s worth listing your interests however leftfield – you will be surprised how one common hobby can spark an interest! My background in television, documentaries and the music industry in London meant that I often matched with people with similar careers. I produced a film contract with a match and we remain friends to this day. I also had a love of zouk – and dated a zouk enthusiast. Outlining work and hobbies, definitely works in your favour. And don’t be shy. What’s your vibe, what’s your jam? Say it!

4.          Personality & traits – Due to limited time to date & invest in a relationship on my part with full time work and full time parenting meant that I chatted to one person at a time and was up front about that – I want quality connections over quantity…and my values are important enough for me to spell out - kindness, gratitude, honesty, respect & compassion.  

There are some really creative profiles out there – write something standard to start with and then once you are in and can see how other people attract you or capture your attention – revise yours!

The great news is that some APP’s already make the profile part easy for you. HINGE is an amazing APP at leading with personality and profile matching!

So – the question is which APP are you going to set up your stall on? 

So let’s take a quick squizz around what’s out there, with some of the top global dating sites right now.

Every APP has a free option and payment option – offering a more premium experience. Some say you’ pay to play’ but it is so much more than that, for me. I have always chosen 1 APP and paid for a premium service to roadtest - because I’m dedicated to putting in the effort - I want the best shot I have at matching – and then I’ve used a couple of others within their free versions. 

I’m not going to go into detail within the APP’s because it really depends on the kind of human you are and what you are looking for and what community & tribe you want to be a part of.  There is an APP for everyone! 

It’s a quick snapshot – working up to the biggest and most popular – where Tinder, Grindr, Bumble & Hinge take out the top spots!

Relationship APP’s: 

These promote themselves as premium dating services for more ‘serious relationships’.

§  Elite Singles + EHarmony, OKCupid & Match.com 

NewAPP’s on the block: 

§  Raya – is an elite A List dating APP. They don’t advertise and apparently have a waitlist of more than 100,000 single people. Amy Schumer met her husband on here, so - many people see it as a status accomplishment being accepted into the circle. 8% of applicant are accepted – apparently. I haven’t applied. Good luck!

§  BLK: “Apple’s tag is: BLK & blacked in Australia – two different APP’s – a new app from Match Group that own Tinder, Match & Hinge, 14 dating apps in total & a revenue of more than 2 billion  – created by best in class in the world - BLK has a simple mission: To create an exclusive community where Black men and Black women can find meaningful connections with people who share similar likes and interests. You need to check which territory this is used  in - for you. 

§  Happn – an APP that let’s you find strangers in the supermarket  – it’s all about close proximity if you both have the APP on you can match with a passerby!

§  Coffee Meets Bagel – this is becoming increasingly more popular – it’s relationship focused. The app drops a bagel/ a potential match every day at noon.

§  Flava, HookUp, Hotter, 3Fun, Threesome – lots of new hook up APP’s for consenting adult fun. All on the Google Play or APP Store.

For Over 60’s –  two APP’s Silver Singles & Over 60’s – both have desktop & mobile platforms:

LGBTQIA+ & FLINTA Communities have a couple of go-to - APP’s that are world renowned: 

§  Her – Her is made for queers, by queers and is the worlds no1 sapphic dating app with 13 million users globally. Welcoming anyone from the lesbian, queer, non binary, trans and gender non-conforming communities – sharing stories and meeting likeminded people – it has rave reviews as a nurturing social APP.

§  Grindr: Grindr is the worlds No1 social networking APP for gay, bi, trans & queer people. It’s tag is ‘zero feet away’ as it displays the profile of other users on a grid within the closest proximity to you.  

Finally – the Big 4 – dating, hookups, serious relationships and they cater to all inclusive communities.

Tinder  is the No1 dating APP in the world – they have approximately 75 million active users - boasting more than 55 billion matches and counting. 

I really like Tinder – it’s everywhere – it has always been there for me when I’ve gone travelling and always a treasure trove of interesting people. I hear so often than this is a place for hook ups – but I’ve had the most success on here for serious relationships…and that is because I explicitly say – no hooks ups for me. I found that TinderGold which is a monthly payment service - worked best for me - able to see who has liked me - helped me make better match decisions.

Swipe left to lose someone – and swipe right to like – and if they swipe right on you – then you match. There is an optional photo verification procedure meaning anyone with a ‘blue tick’ is bonafide. Tinder Vibes give you profile options & Hot Takes are controversial questions to kick start a conversation.

Bumble – has over 50 million active users. This was my go-to app in Australia – I liked the layout and the functionality, I paid for the ongoing premium monthly service so I could see my ‘beeline;’ which is the line of men that had swiped right on me. 

Bumble was created by a woman for women - infact Witney Wolfe-Herd was the Co Founder of Tinder, before creating Bumble. It is made so that only women can make the first move – to give women an empowered position.  Which means that when you match – the other person has to wait until you start messaging them – within a 24 hr window. 

With same gender matches or non binary matches on Bumble – either person can make the first move and there is a 24 hr window to respond or the connection expires. 

I did find that I would message and not hear back though – often – and I know men, male friends of mine  that would actually end up with a long list og incoming messages lto respond to - so - not sure who is empowered in the end. 

But - I liked Bumble though because the men in my search criteria matched it – they were Dad’s looking for love.  And I met many gorgeous ones – albeit without any chemistry. It is a brilliant, respectful dating app where I had a lot of success!

They also now have BUMBLEBIZZ which is for professional networking – Bumble lead the way with platonic & inclusive social communities!

§  Next is Hinge – it’s new compared to Tinder & Bumble – but it is my favourite. ‘Designed to be deleted’  tagline - it is geared towards relationships and compatible matches. It encourages personality & profile’s over photo’s - to find a connection. It gives you prompts to create interesting insights about yourself – it takes all the thinking out of it.

§  The unique thing about HINGE is that people love, like or comment on one of your fun facts, personality traits, photos or videos to kick off conversations. Soooo good for people not sure about what to write. If someone starts a return conversation – it’s a connection. You can also send a rose to someone you are super keen on. I find this probably cheesy but it’s a universal flower of love…..I get it. The other feature is ‘date from home ‘essentially you can phone and videocall inapp – with onscreen prompt so no need to worry about stone cold silences or fake photos! It’s a really well thought through, super cool app. And you can take a selfie video to verify your ID. I love this app. 

§  Lastly - Plenty of Fish – I like this for people starting out, who are literally greeeeeeen. I used this for a really short amount of time but I want to mention it because it helped me find my feet! Free – chat to people – nothing stopping you from signing up here – lots of criteria prompts to refine your search and figure out do you want a few curated fish or a big trawler of a fishing net. 

What I found is that everyone in my 30 km radius was on the same three of four APP’s – and it was often the same talent pool – which is why I opted to use one in my city and Tinder overseas. 

Let’s remind yourself – why are you on a dating platform? Your No 1 objective with online dating APPS is to move one step closer to connecting – to a voice, to a person in a physical space - where you can see & hear & feel a chemistry crackle or a gorgeous friendship kind of a human or an intimate liaison. That’s the objective, isn’t it? 

We want the least path of resistance to meeting a real person - and the most simple & swiftest route to meeting authentically amazing humans, right?

If this is what you want – your choice on your terms only – you will need to give time, effort & attention.

It means being your true, authentic self – and it means saying loud and clear who you are, what kind of human you are looking for and be unafraid to be straight up, if you know what you want. If people are frightened by your hopes and aspirations – you want them to move out of your way - anyway!

Your go to market strategy – is a culling machine – sifting & sorting - to move people out of the way so that the one or two that you could be compatible with – are in your line of sight. In each other’s line of sight.

You are ready to get your ass online. There is an APP out there just for you. To try. To have courage. To start again.

Thank you for hanging there with me. We are done for this night. 

SIGN OFF:

In the next Episode, Episode 4 – we look at the next step - matching, the importance of a voice.

Online dating is a truly wild & crazy ride. My peers of all gender, orientation & background have met their new loves online – middle aged, frustrated, footloose and fancy free! It’s how we date it in the 21st century! 

There are endless possibilities out there! Don’t give up. There is hope.

Please join me for another bedtime story next week. 

AND. Feel free to send me your questions or watch 60 second snackable topics at Late Night & Lonely on Instagram & Tiktok.

I would like to bid you goodnight in the only way that I know. I’m an old hippy at heart.

Take a deep breath. Remember - we are under the same sky, with the same stars and the same magnificent oceans around us. We are a formidable force and we are insignificant all at the same time. Wherever you are, shine your beacon of light, don’t ever doubt yourself, back yourself. 

I am here living my own chaotic imperfect path. You are not alone in your loneliness. 

Wishing you the sweetest of dreams & the strength & courage for the new day tomorrow. 

Goodnight my global friend,

Shelley 

This podcast is produced by unscripted&co - Be inspired. One. Story. At A time.