Episode 4_VERBAL. How vulnerability can become your strength? *Audio Podcast. Curl Up. Listen in.

In Episode 4, the conversation dives into the guts of single parenting and what it takes to use your chaos to stride into the next chapter. Can your vulnerability become your strength? 

In this short, sharp & candid six part series, I share personal bedtime stories for you to find the resilience & courage to start again.

Tonight, the big question is, on the cusp of dating again, how bold are you prepared to be with your phone conversations? What does the nuance of a voice really tell you?

As a qualified intimacy coach & primetime broadcast producer, I dive into divorce, single parenting, low libido, intimacy and how to navigate the realms of online dating to set you up for success. 

The wild statistics are that 40-50% of marriages in developed countries end in divorce and we are not prepared for the aftermath. 

In this short, sharp & candid six part series, I share my personal bedtime stories for you find the resilience & courage to start again.

Curl up for a bedtime story. Goodnight world.

Podcast made with love for late night listeners. 

Wait, there's more:

AUDIO_
For this six-part series, listen to music playlists curated for each episode. Spotify playlists:

• Late Night & Lonely_ EP1 Leap
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP2 Connect
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP3 Visual
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP4 Verbal
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP5 Play
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP6 Lov

VISUAL_For 60 second snackable topics head to SHELLEY UNSCRIPTED on YOUTUBE

Produced by unscripted&co.
Be inspired. One. Story. At. A. Time.

Understanding the pursuit of human connection is a love affair of mine.
www.unscriptedandco.com

Transcript

LATE NIGHT & LONELY_EPISODE 4_VERBAL_

DURATION: 32’46

Produced by  unscriptedandco

Welcome to Late Night & Lonely, with Shelley. 

Are you comfortable? 

When life takes an unexpected twist and you’re single again, middle aged, heart in a thousand tiny pieces, a solo parent with no libido & a cobwebbed vagina – I resigned myself to being a nun. 

Is it possible to piece it all back together? Did my clitoris die along with the divorce? Am I alone in my loneliness? 

I in 4 people in this world are lonely and I’m on a quest to make a connection.

Close your eyes…if you dare to dream …take a leap with me.

Welcome to Late Night & Lonely & thank you for joining me. 

I’m Shelley and wherever you are in the world - I hope you’re stealing away somewhere, taking time for yourself. 

Late & Lonely is about the pursuit of human connection when you are starting all over again, because when its late and you’re lonely, it’s what we long for.

Remember - it doesn’t matter who you are, where you’re from, your background, race, religion, preference, orientation, gender, what you own or what you earn – fundamentally we seek out the same - there are millions & millions of  lovely people lying awake right now, wanting exactly the same thing as you; a friendship, intimacy, a lover, a companion until your last breath.

I’m sharing conversations & my personal bedtime stories exploring how to connect with your kind of human & start your new chapter. 

In Episode 3, I asked the question – how do you want to represent yourself online, how do you portray who you are in a digital space? We looked at our ‘go to market’ strategy and our arsenal of tools using photo’s & a profile and our most important attribute – authenticity. Being unapologetic and unafraid to say ‘this is who I am and this is what I’m hoping for’.

Tonight, we are going to cross the thresh-hold as we enter the realm of a real human – when you hear a voice for the first time – and I ask you - how bold are you prepared to be when you start talking to someone? 

I have a couple of bedtime stories from my dating closet – one of them is a little bit explicit – I will warn you - but I am unfiltered in sharing my real life experiences online. 

First, I am leaping into a leftfield conversation about how loneliness comes in the form of being a single parent. 

Loneliness does not discriminate. You can be lonely, whoever you are, wherever you are - within a relationship and without one. 

The interesting statistics are that more than 42% of middle aged singles - are single parents - which means –– when you seek out connections you need to find ‘me time’ to start a connection’ and if you are looking for love or a long term companion – it’s not all about you – it means finding a compatible person and eventually introducing them to your children – and vice versa  – becoming a blended family or a step parent. I wasn’t ready for that – at all!

This prospect makes the criteria for seeking out new connections, perilous & complex.

Delve even further into this statistic of single parenting – and approximately 79% are women and 21% are men - as the primary carers to children.

My experience - juggling, a full time job and devoting all of my time & income to raising my babies – of course because I want to be their mother - means that a) you need to carve out ‘adult solo time’ to go on a date b) on a single wage with co-dependents you are less financially attractive – sorry – this is not a myth – I have studied this from all angles and c) not everyone wants to take on other children – and be a step parent - so it is a needle in a haystack operation! 

I had three years where I dated a lot of gorgeous men but the chemistry, timing and aligned desires – especially around not wanting to be a step parent - did not maketh a match made in heaven. 

The only real tonic to my loneliness was to be in the company of my friends – but therein lies the rub. Surrounded by families with the power of two – two parents, two sets of eyes and two and hands and shared time –  means that as a single parent, you are the outlier. 

I’ve seen the attitudes from both sides. 

I went camping once, when I was married and one of the other camping couples had separated. I thought we should invite the Mum who had been left alone with her son – and the camp consensus – was an emphatic no – to my face - that – it will be really hard work because we will need to care of the child and help her set up and this is our a holiday. The very idea that this woman was incapable without a man by her side, nay – a burden. Repulsed me. So - I brought them both along with us – of course. 

By virtue of being a single parent, meant that she had more fortitude & grit than all of us.

It takes a village to raise a child, and parents that need support the most - are often those left ostracized & disconnected from the most capable of couples. 

When I see a single parent – they have a halo – and my support, always.

Then it was my turn. A year later - amidst my divorce. 

Turning up to BBQ’s & Birthday parties I couldn’t wait to be in the company of adults – to soak up an adult conversation - when my day’s and nights were beautiful babytalk and perhaps, just perhaps – I could kick back a little, take my foot off the gas.

Turning up to BBQ’s & Birthday parties I couldn’t wait to be in the company of adults – to soak up an adult conversation - when my day’s and nights were beautiful babytalk and perhaps, just perhaps – I could kick back a little, take my foot off the gas.

The last thing you want to do as a single parent is burden anyone with the real truth of the juggle. What it takes to show up. The last people that want to hear about it are people that aren’t on your path. I learnt – to suck it in, suck it up and get on with life.

I attempted to arrive at parties looking collected & elegant – even though I was in a sleep deprived zombie state with a toddler hanging off my chest, lugging two enormous na ppy & feeding bags, a seven year old princess with braided hair, a bottle of champagne in a chillbag and a baked moussaka from Anna Ford’s cookbook - balanced on top of my head. It was no small feat to arrive anywhere at anytime with an 18month old and seven year old, all fed with happy hearts & all needs met! My own energy cup was empty. My mental capacity frazzled. But I arrived nonetheless with a positive spirit and hopeful of meaningful adult connections!

Both of my children, high on the frenetic energy of a party tazzed off in different directions. Immediately, I’d slamdunk our luggage, toss the food on the banquet and adopt the usual stance - Mum running after the 1 year old running after a dog running away. 

 My girlfriends would gather and let loose - because in these scenarios their husbands – in my enclave this was doting Dad’s - would be on ‘kid watch’ elsewhere. It was segregated on these occasions. Where was I? On kid watch of course – with the Dad’s. I’m not palming off an energetic 1 year old and seven year old girl to any Dad I know or trust - that’s been waiting all week..to have a coldie with his mantribe. 

Connecting with my girlfriends became a quick hello and then a wave from a distance - as I hotfoot it on the heels of my baby boy’s next curious adventure.

Drinks would be freeflowing…but not in my cup…because….I’m driving the three of us home.If you’ve ever had to drive a child to hospital in the middle of the night – or had a school call about a broken elbow. No matter how much you want to relax – the single parent remains on high alert. 

The power of one, never takes their foot off the gas. Ever.

For any of you as a single parent – you know - it is 24/7 - your eyes on your watch - and your eyes only. 

This solitude extended into my friends who had the ability to share ladies morning bike rides, gym classes together before or after work, ladies only Sunday breakfasts, a girls weekends away because with their partners they were a team – someone had their back and they could step away from parent watch. 

As a devoted & loving SINGLE Mother or SINGLE Father – alone - you lose the very thing you need the most – adult connection & belonging.

Adult company quenches a thirst – that only other adults can quench!! You watch from a distance. 

Let me make this clear.  

Social isolation is a real, tangible cost of becoming a single parent. It’s where deep loneliness resides.

This isn’t becoming a ‘poor me’ story because the more I became an island unto one – the more I found my fortitude. 

There was a day when one of my beautiful friends confronted me. With a four strong sisterhood, something was amiss. She came to my house to accuse me face to face of seeking exclusivity with another equal friend of ours. I was completely confused and in utter shock. Because behind closed doors, I was just starting to get back on my feet with a fulltime job and raising my children by myself. There was no time day or night to manipulate or strategise about friendships – and to the day I die – each and every one from London, to LA to Australia – each one is equal and just a love bond that I cherish. There is no favouritism – I’ve never had a BFF - just a blessed collective of global women that I am honoured to share my life with.

 My friendships in Australia are not only my family, they are my inner nucleus. 

It’s like saying I prefer Mum over Dad, daughter, over son. Time with my friends - who are very much happily married with partners and parents, siblings and cousins – cannot possibly understand that without any of that – my sisterhood were the frontline and lifeline to my sanity. 

When they let go of me…which is what they collectively decided to do from that day forward…I grieved more for my three female friendships than I have ever grieved for my marriage. 

That night, I clicked my three year old into his booster seat, my 8 year old sat in the front of my car, I loaded clothes into the boot of my car and headed down the motorway to Byron Bay. I didn’t even have time to book somewhere to stay. I just needed to put my feet in the ocean, with my babies next to me and hold on. 

I think when you have children and you look at them and you have this promise that you will take care of them and then…there were so many moments where I didn’t think I was going to be able to do that….but I knew that I had a really close loving bond with my family and my beautiful friends in the UK – and friends actually scattered all over the world and two really beautiful friends in Brisbane…but I cherished these women so dearly - it felt…like a death...they just…let go. 

And I kept thinking to myself - when I was on the beach that night in Byron -  that I’m capable on my own  with these two children. I don’t know the way forwards - but I am not going to sit and wallow &  lament in my loneliness – I mean, I just can’t!

And even with this knowledge and an army of love and connection – I had to dig much deeper than that - because at the end of the day, no one is responsible for your happiness. 

And I knew deep down that I had what it takes to raise my children by myself and I had to make a decision right then. 

I knew things could turn around - but I was also really committed - to turning things around. 

It was a really - pivotal - moment.

I felt – stronger.

I felt - resilient.

Byron is a very special place to me, because it was where I found out I was pregnant with my first child and I knew something was different – and I go back there time and time again. It has a very positive energy – whether you believe that or not – it is a very healing place that I take my children to. 

And when I became a mother, I didn’t read many books – you don’t prepare for it - you prepare for your pregnancy, but nothing much beyond that. 

I read a few pages of a Dr Sears books and one line resonated with me and that is – in the face of adversity one child needs one positive nurturing and nourishing role model in their life to become a thriving, balanced adult – and I knew I could be that for my children. 

Without anyone else – if I had my health and my wellbeing and my mental capacity. 

We had a few days by the beach, reconnecting – looking at the sky and knowing there are 7 billion other people on the planet and I accepted there and then that sometimes people need to let go and people need to move on and do their own thing. 

I was ready to start again – when I drove back to Brisbane after that moment -  I really understood the meaning of impermanence and transience because that really is what life is – nothing is a fixed state – there is no ‘being happy as a destination’. 

You just need to live and embrace what you have and I am thank ful that I do have my family and I do have my friends. 

You know if people don’t want to be a part of that – then so be it! 

I shed my old skin. 

And that is when my new chapter began.

My point is – and it’s why I’m here – is that you can’t let your position of being a single parent of that chaos that you are in - depower the wind in your sails – you need to use it to charge your sails – if you can - to keep moving forwards – to keep you mental health in check - for you and your children. Stasis as a single parent - is simply not an option. And there is always the possibility of better days ahead.

You are not anyone’s responsibility. Your journey and your happiness needs to be carved out by you.

And that’s why I never gave up online dating! 

It became my best friend after hours. It was late night and I was lonely but - let me tell you – I didn’t take a graceful leap sometimes like I advocate for – some nights I really divebombed in – with my eyes closed! 

I wanted to find other people walking my path. 

You shapeshift as you get older and you realise that you need to let things go of things that don’t serve you. 

Single parents have an unwritten, unspoken understanding.  And there are millions & millions of single parents – online. And we just get each other! 

So. Are you online yet? For anyone seeking out a new adult human connection - I think we should jump back in! 

In Episode 3 – we covered ‘GTM’ your go to market strategy. Did you find your APP? Have you started? Your photo’s uploaded, profile written, ready to match or connect?

This part is about ‘speed to market’ and on a side note - for an open mindset, remember these 2 things:

1) Carve your own path! My friend didn’t have one single match on Tinder, and then just seven weeks on Elite Singles - met her love of four years and he is now a step dad to her son. Two of my other friends have partners from success on Hinge. My brother met his wife online and my third and thirtieth ever dates turned into a romance.

There is no one-way, there is no cookie cutter plan, no two dating journeys will ever be the same. You can’t benchmark your future with anyone else’s. Walk your own path, leave your own trail.

2) And number 2: Matching again. If you don’t match with anyone, try a different platform - I road tested quite a few at the start, and bounced between two or three. I changed my profile, and my photos – as I became more confident and clearer with my intentions.

When you match – this doesn’t mean it will become a two way chat. You enter a carousel match pool – everyone you match with is a potential chat – not a date – so - hold your horses! 

The process is - you match, perhaps a texting conversation starts, perhaps this becomes a phone or video call and then as you head further through that funnel – it might become a real life date. And that’s what your aiming for – to know if this human is your kind of human – you need to date in person! Pheromones do the talking for you in a shared space. That’s it.

My methods - with matching, messaging and talking is to keep the texting part as short as possible. I’ve always tried at all costs to skip texting and get to talking. I love words. I love the creativity of words. But you can fabricate anything you like – you can be whoever you want to be with words.

The power of a voice tells you so much about a person. 

My biggest tip! Convert a text to a talk as soon as possible.

And, here’s why!

§  Time Efficiency: The fastest I get to talking, the sooner I know if there’s a conversation spark worth having in the physical world. 

§  Knowledge: To learn the questions you need to ask – for yourself to decide if you want to talk again!

§  Time wasting: I’ve messaged for weeks, talked for weeks and then within 5 minutes of the first date – it is clear that we are not compatible – and it’s a month of my life I will never get back – it’s a waste of time. One guy said to me on a date, that ‘wow’ he is so surprised by my height, that I am a giant next to him, he wanted us to stand back to back, he was so much shorter than I am - - and admitted that he only usually date’s petitie Spanish looking women – and I’m like why did you match with a 6ft viking boned blonde woman then? It looked like I was taking my son out for an illegal cocktail. After that, I asked about height on the phone. Sorry if that’s offensive but - we waste each others time! Ask the questions you both need to know! Don’t be shy about this!

§  Mistaken identity: I’ve had one phone conversation – and he said ‘ Oh I really liked your middle name ‘Elspeth’ and I’m like – what are you talking about – his response - ‘ oh shit, I’m talking to the wrong person’! 

§  Dating intention: I’ve talked a couple of times with someone and we’re both really keen to meet in person – and he asks –are you okay if I bring three Viagra? I said ‘you can bring 3,000 viagra on a 1,000 egyptian thread count cushion beaded with pink diamonds’ but likelihood of using them with me is zero and he can’t understand why? Why am I not open to it? He has three! And we start debating on the phone about my sexual appetite, like he has a right to know. And – thanks for the talk - goodbye.

§  Dead airspace: Often, you talk but it’s not firing on all cylinders. You can tell, when someone has so many other offers on the go – you are simply not interesting enough to them. The conversations die off. 

§  Lastly, Desperation: Sometimes  – we are so lonely that talking anyone will do. And I don’t want to be someone’s ‘you’re better than nothing’ person.

After we talk - I’m either as keen as mustard or I tap out, respectfully. And that’s the point of talking! I want something to stir in me. Don’t you?

We’re missing the best part here, though! Attraction and repellent happens in the nuances of a voice:

§  You hear disinterest – when someone has suddenly flatlined on you. 

§  Your voices aren’t compatible. You are not from the same planet. It’s really obvious, when that happens.

§  Tone, softness and subtleties – draw you in.

§  Talking with passion and authority – and a voice lights up.

§  Even a shy nature or bold character are all conveyed through the voice.

§  Talking about life & values & parenting. 

§  You align & spark – or you don’t!

Voices connect on a deeper level than words – they create intrigue and mystery and can seduce you. 

I place a huge importance on my decision making by the phone conversation.

And I love this moment. For all of the dead end chats you have – when something unexpected happens and it is completely unpredictable – when you click, and you laugh and you’re suddenly spending hours talking – drinking up each others good energy, great vibes….

You feel that sparkle again. You feel giddy. You feel nervous. You realise anything is possible – and it feels good. It doesn’t matter who you are, your age, background, preference, orientation….we are all human with a beautiful palpable desire for human connection. 

Matching and connecting is flattering. It’s an ego boost. It floods the brain with serotonin, our happy hormones. 

The fastest way to find your kind of human – is to match, message and talk - so you can get a sense of ‘respectfully no thanks’ or find the one that’s mutually ‘hey let’s meet shall we?’

Sifting and sorting is to be expected, it’s necessary and it’s a fundamental part of finding people you’d like to hang out with – even if there is no spark. 

My confidence changed throughout dating. I went from being very shy and gullible to an assertive and resilient seasoned dater with a huge story arc.

My bedtime story tonight, demonstrates why phone chat’s should be pursued at your earliest convenience. It is explicit. It’s called:

How to put the Ass into an Ass hole. 

Dressed a little bit left of centre with an unusual style and flamboyant flair - I wasn’t drawn to this guy’s looks - but I liked his quirky profile – and I’d seen him on Bumble a lot and we hadn’t matched. 

There are times when you match with people because – you have gone through everyone in the pile twenty times over and you know that you are both matching because you’ve ran out of options – and you never know!

When the Father of my children flew in from overseas - I seized the opportunity to get out in the world.

Putting my theory to the test, we matched, we messaged once and both were keen to talk – right now. 

It was late. As always. 

We were clearly at ease and it was a no holds barred conversation from the get-go. Casual and light hearted. No awkwardness. We’d both been dating for a long time. He was a banker in the city with a reputable C-Suite job and was just as keen to cut the small talk and ‘go on a date’. But. 

Two years in to my dating journey and armed with what I know, I had become brutally honest about my dating status  –  I asked him how honest he was prepared to be with me – about how many other women he was dating. He seemed game.

He proposed we date on Saturday – it was a Tuesday night – so I asked how many women had he lined up between now and then – casually – I expected a couple – I’d say that’s standard – but I would infact be date No 7. I wasn’t expecting that many – and it’s really none of my business, to be fair. That’s what I get for asking, right?  Two of the women he dates regularly –  and he likes to have a date – set up every night of the week – because he is single - and did I have a problem with that? 

Well, my ego was flexing a little bit - I was just making up his numbers and I didn’t want to be in his carousel of that many women. His profile stated ‘looking for a long term relationship’ but - maybe we’re not what each other wants. This seemed reasonable to say. We seemed to be having a mature conversation and it was refreshing to be able to speak openly. So, I bowed out. But – he was not going to have a bar of it. 

He was immediately annoyed with me - that his transparency had made me decline the offer of a date. He said to keep it - and he would make it worth my while. What does he mean? Make it worth my while? His very frank response on the phone is that “the reason why women come back to me is because I give it good up the arse and you’ll enjoy my cock in your ass on Saturday – so - where shall we meet?”

Bold. This generous offer was not appealing. I want way more than meat & two veg in my derriere - if I’m paying a babysitter on Saturday night rates. 

So I replied – that’s great that you’ve found what you’re good at - but I don’t even kiss on a first date – drop the mic……silence……he laughed hysterically at me and called me - I quote “a fucking frigid tease”. He then said that he felt confident that he would break that spell and I would end up with his cock in my mouth - at the very least –that I wouldn’t be able to resist it. I should have hung up – but I didn’t. I’m aware that situations can escalate when you rebuff someone but I refused to be spoken to like that. This conversation had turned on a dime.

He became intent on trying to intimidate me, a game that he seemed skilled at – he enjoyed explicit descriptions of exactly what he was going to do to me sexually on Saturday and that it would be ‘the best time of my life.’ 

The more I said, I’m going to say goodbye now because this is getting uncomfortable – the more angry he became – saying ‘are you fucking rejecting me now?’ over and over. ‘Do you think you are better than me? With a fucking English plum in your mouth? I started to realise that he was slurring his words becoming more offensive. I insisted that I needed to go and he insisted that I didn’t. 

I’m home alone with my two children asleep at this point and it unnerved me.

I’m not rattled often – I’ve been in much worse situations. But, he was really taking great pleasure in this. There was something nasty about the way that he berated me.

In the end, he told me to go and fuck myself and the only reason he wanted to fuck me anyway is because I sounded like the Queen of England and was attracted to my voice and hung up. 

I sat on my couch at home afterwards and I wondered how long it would have taken me to see this side of him in person – had I not asked such a confronting question on the phone. Would it have been on the date? After a few drinks together? Did my profile have the hallmarks of wanting assplay on the weekend with a stranger? 

My big question of the night is, how bold and brave do you want to be with your first chats? What do you want to know? 

I stand by my methods – if we are getting on well enough to go to the next step of a date in person - I ask about their last dates or why things haven’t worked out and what they’re hoping for. 

I am under no illusion that this is an exclusive connection ‘for him’. 

The rate in which you are NOT compatible is so fast and furious that there is always someone else in the wings. It is how people date online – it is to be expected that you are part of a carousel of chats, matches and dates. This is normal. 

Ask what you’d like to know -  and the other person can say,  non of your business. You don’t ask, you don’t get. Ultimately if things progress, there will be a conversation about being exclusive to each other. The less bullshit at the outset, is better for me. Don’t settle for less than what you believe - you deserve.

You don’t know why someone matches with you. Hearing a voice might stir something. But you will never glean a true insight without meeting someone in person. 

If the chat feels good – you are satisfied with what you hear – you are mutually keen - then - take a leap!

This episode - Episode 4 - is coming to a close. Being single (or a single parent) is not an easy ride – it’s often a rollercoaster. Don’t apologies for who you are, don’t let anyone dim your light – there’s only one of you and you are valued and equal on this planet. 

Hold on, seek out your tribe and don’t ever give up.

I hope you’ll join me for another bedtime story next week. 

Feel free to send me your questions or watch 60 second snackable topics at Late Night & Lonely on Instagram & I’ve curated Late Night & Lonely Playlists for each Episode - on Spotify!

I would like to bid you goodnight in the only way that I know. I’m an old hippy at heart.

Take a deep breath. Remember - we are under the same sky, with the same stars and the same magnificent oceans around us. We are a formidable force and we are insignificant all at the same time. Wherever you are, shine your beacon of light, don’t ever doubt yourself, back yourself. 

I am here living my own chaotic imperfect path. You are not alone in your loneliness. 

Wishing you the sweetest of dreams & the strength & courage for the new day tomorrow. 

Goodnight my global friend,

Shelley 

This podcast is produced by unscripted&co.
Be inspired. One. Story. At A time.