Episode 5_PLAY. How to stop being serious and play again? *Audio Podcast. Curl Up. Listen in.

In Episode 5, be prepared to throw off the shackles of monotony and make time to play! How serious have you really become and how much permission do you give yourself to be playful?

Tonights connection question is, how to set yourself up for success on a first date? No kissing, is that prudish or prudent?

In this short, sharp & candid six part series, I share personal bedtime stories for you to find the resilience & courage to start again.

As a qualified intimacy coach & primetime broadcast producer, I dive into divorce, single parenting, low libido, intimacy and how to navigate the realms of online dating to set you up for success.

The wild statistics are that 40-50% of marriages in developed countries end in divorce and we are not prepared for the aftermath.

Understanding the pursuit of human connection is a love affair of mine.

You are not alone in your loneliness. Let's get started, shall we? 

Wait, there's more:

AUDIO_
For this six-part series, listen to music playlists curated for each episode. Spotify playlists:

• Late Night & Lonely_ EP1 Leap
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP2 Connect
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP3 Visual
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP4 Verbal
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP5 Play
• Late Night & Lonely_ EP6 Lov

VISUAL_For 60 second snackable topics head to SHELLEY UNSCRIPTED on YOUTUBE

Produced by unscripted&co.
Be inspired. One. Story. At. A. Time.

Understanding the pursuit of human connection is a love affair of mine.
www.unscriptedandco.com

Transcript

LATE NIGHT & LONELY_EPISODE 5_PLAY_

DURATION: 42’34

Produced by unscriptedandco.                                                                                                                                                               
Welcome to Late Night & Lonely, with Shelley. 

Are you comfortable? 

When life takes an unexpected twist and you’re single again, middle aged, heart in a thousand tiny pieces, a solo parent with no libido & a cobwebbed vagina – I resigned myself to being a nun. 

Is it possible to piece it all back together? Did my clitoris die along with the divorce? Am I alone in my loneliness? 

I in 4 people in this world are lonely and I’m on a quest to make a connection.

Close your eyes…if you dare to dream …take a leap with me.

Welcome to Late Night & Lonely and thank you for joining me.

I’m Shelley  - and wherever you are in the world - I hope you’re dialling down the noise,  taking some quiet time for yourself. 

Late & Lonely is about the pursuit of human connection, because I know firsthand that when its late and you’re lonely, it’s what we long for…it doesn’t matter where you’re from, who you are, what’s your background, race, religion, preference, what you own or what you earn – fundamentally we seek out the same - there are millions & millions of sublime women & men lying awake right now, wanting exactly the same thing as you; that might be a friendship, intimacy, a lover, a life-long partner.

I’m sharing conversations & my personal bedtime stories exploring how to connect with your kind of human & start your new chapter. There is still hope & you’re definitely not alone.

In Episode 4 I asked the question – how bold are you prepared to be - when talking to someone, to find out what YOU need to know if a person is your kind of connection? 

You can be spontaneous and take a wild leap to the next stage – meeting in person on a whim – but I like to stack my chances as high as possible at that person is close to what I’m hoping for – compatible at the very least! 

If you use your photos, profile, matching, texting & talking – the sifting & sorting tools deliver you to this point. The meet up! Some call it ‘try before you buy’ – like we’re objects – but whichever way you approach a date – the unknown & unpredictable is always the exciting part of your dating journey! 

We’re unplugging digitally and heading out into the world!

Tonight’s podcast – is a juicy one! We are going to set you up for success on your dates - what fun to be had – or not – or better!  

I have dating methods that people don’t agree with – and that’s your choice. I am steadfast in my ‘no kissing on a first date’ rule - when starting out. It enabled me to move out into the real dating world with the least impact to my self esteem.

My bedtime stories are a little salacious – I started my dating journey without any intimacy and three years later unexpectedly reclaimed my sexuality – in a way that surpassed anything I’d ever imagined.

But first….

But, first let me share this with you, the very essence of what was holding me back after my divorce – something that allowed me to date without inhibition – because the idea of falling in love again or being intimate - kissing and touching & caressing and being naked again – was not on my radar. 

In order - not to place an importance on an end game – a fixed intention – of finding love again – I needed to give myself permission - just to make new connections. I needed to shift my mindset away from ‘the why’  am I dating to ‘how’ am I dating.

To pursue dating for the experience - not hang a destination on it, or a goal of meeting someone to love.

To do this. I needed to take a leap. 

Pivotal to my transformation - was to learn how to let go of my seriousness and make time for my playfulness. 

Play, playfulness – this is the secret sauce to my new middle aged chapter in life: the tonic, the source of youth, ma bonne sante! I am giving you this gift of time!

The precursor to blossoming again in my forties, giving me the fortification to navigate insurmountable hurdles in the background, has been the ability to rediscover my playfulness. 

Dating can be about adult play, having lustful sex and one off hook ups – if that’s what you want – go for it! Enjoy yourself. We are primal sexual beings. Being able to play as an adult - is on your terms, with your consent - with what is fulfilling to you. 

Playfulness – however - is a mindset – mindfully ditching the shackles of your seriousness - in order to be open to having fun. 

You have a right to have fun and let your hair down as an adult – it’s a necessity to feeling liberated - and once you surrender to the idea of it, then playfulness becomes your pleasure.

I have two bedtime stories tonight. The first is all about playfulness and why it is an important state of being, as an adult. Let’s rewind – to my childhood. This is called ‘Girls just wanna have fun’.

A little bedtime backstory on ‘me’.

Hugged in a green paper sleeve, “Girls just wanna have fun” by Cyndi Lauper was my very first 7inch vinyl at 13 years of age. Cyndi’s colourful locks influenced the pillarbox red hair of my teens much to my mother’s shock and my father’s delight. You see, my parents were 16 years old when I was born. Six weeks away from my mother’s final exams, she was the only child in the history of our family - destined to attend University in the 70’s – she was an extremely smart young lady and the school gave her an ultimatum: give up the baby or give up your education. 

It was 1971. My 16 year old Father woke my Grandparents, as they lay in bed. Sobbing by their feet at foot of the bed, he told them that there was a baby due the following year – his baby - and they both wanted to keep it – but a termination was planned because the Mother is still in school. His parents – without a car – walked with their teenage son for miles and miles – and knocked on the door of my Mothers house and introduced themselves. Two sets of parents, sat together for the first time with two teenagers and the news of an unplanned pregnancy. 

My mother was forced to drop out of school with only a few weeks left and my Father immediately started an apprenticeship as a teenager at a newspaper print factory. We lived with my grandparents.

And. Here I am. 

Forging my childhood in working- class England, my devoted teenage parents shared a liberal mix of sex pistols and all things mods, my Dad was a mod – if you don’t know what that is watch the movie Quadronphenia, we listened to Tolkien reads and the treads of foley artists on the radio, Laurel and Hardy in black and white, long walks across fields and babbling brooks, fish n’chip Fridays, ate battenburg cake with a pot of hot tea at my Mums parents, ate homemade apple pie and home made picked onions with my Dad’s parents, we didn’t have a lot of things, yet we spent a lot of affectionate time together where I heard stories about life during World War two, about food rations and air raid shelters when the bombs were dropped on our city, a time where both my grandparents had fallen in love during the war and nothing was ever taken for granted – my childhood was a foundation built on respect, independent socialist thinking, an abundance of love and eclectic music spinning from a prized vinyl collection on our Technic’s turntable. 

My youthful parents, my teenage parents were the epitome of fun & playfulness. We had cats Ozzy & Charlie, gineu pigs, a tortoise called Herman, a Ferrit called Smeagel and a dog Lady Talula. My parents never grew into serious, boring adults. They have always inspired me to live fully, laugh hard and to remember the most important things in life, like love and kindness – are free. Free to give, free to share. 

Catching them kissing each other - to this day, fifty years strong - I wonder if this is their glue. 

My University degree in theatre & the performing arts was for my Mother – who committed her life to staying at home to raise me and the most loved and loving little brother I could ever wish for - and my chapters of naïve hedonism were for my father - whose wages secured the nappies and kept their youthful days and nights inside at home tending to a baby. They are – to this day my inspiration. 

They passed on the gauntlet of fun – I rarely speak about my career as I don’t believe that we are defined by what we ‘do’, but they spurred me on to follow my wild aspirations and I have carved crazy creative chapters in my life by working bloody hard – sending out my first ever cv, I landed my first grown up job at MTV, next stop the European Music Awards in Paris, I grafted a career as a humble television producer – learning & respecting storytelling as a craft; directing choreographed shoots across the South Pacific Ocean, writing & producing live primetime TV for the UK, producing Gordon Ramsey and his two head chefs on his first Hell’s Kitchen – we had our own story stream live from the restaurant, Simon Cowell’s first Pop Idol documentary series 1 + 2, devising high octane concepts for the series opening of reality formats, producing hundreds of multi-cam shoots from underwater sea caves in Fiji to covert drug documentaries out in the open ocean in Australia, interviewed celebrities & hosts around the world at junkets and award ceremonies, commissioned to write scripts to obtain classifications for new tv formats, developing a new observational documentary format this year. I’ve spearheaded television & radio campaigns to break artists Craig David and Sugababes, and worked closely with inspiring International Artists Shania Twain and Tori Amos - and a 16 year old Justin Timberlake that wrapped his chewing gum around a radio mic live on air. From the BBC to Netflix, I’ve spent more than twenty years dedicated to storytelling. And most recently my dream job – a live daily show for the Women’s World Cup in 2023. 

When my parents said “never give up” and Shelley “take a leap” – live fully - I did just that. 

Whatever sacrifices my parents made – I made up for in spades!

They taught me to work hard, and play hard – but over the years with head down & bum up - I forgot the importance of play.

Over time, I only knew how to be playful, as a mother.

Because…as we grow, we change, our values evolve. 

My work is not what I get out of bed for anymore. My proudest and most fulfilling role is not made of material things, or career ambition, it’s right here in my home and heart. 

Nothing compares to being a mother. All I ever wanted was a loving family to take care of and to be a stay-at-home Mum. The Holy Grail of happiness. 

The most important role in this world – for me – is nurturing your child and being present. Something – that becoming a full time working single parent – you are simply not afforded the option. You don’t get to choose and neither do your children. They are forced into part time parenting arrangements.

What I can’t give my children, in terms of being at home with them in a way that I wanted – when I am a present – I am 100% all in with them. I am the goofiest Mum of all time.  Fun and playfulness is my middle name – as a mother.

We would drive over the Story Bridge in Australia on a school night with the wind in our hair, music blasting, breaking all parental rules to snaffle gorgonzola gelato after dark. We would craft and bake and go on adventures discovering Australis together for the first time. Three in a bed, has been our resident state. These are their memory-makers – not how big the house, how comfy the car, how bouji the outfit.

As a mother, I am in my happiest place. It’s where I thrive – the most.

But somewhere in between parenting and partnership, the schedules and chores, bills and daily grind and a dead marriage, I became horribly serious and painfully dull as a wife. I admit that.

Physical fulfilment remained equally as pedestrian. Offering up the missionary, my husband found himself lucky with an occasional spot in between the nine o’ clock news and my nightly floss. This is what an incompatible union looked like. Christmas came early if I could be bothered to roll onto all fours, plumping up a pillow, flopping forwards and lulling myself into a half sleep of obligation.

In the days that eked out after my divorce, I needed to un-learn my monotony. Unravel my plate spinning perfectionism. Break out of eat, sleep, work, play LEGO, repeat. And do something out of MY ordinary = stop being so bloody serious, in constant mother mode - and learn how to play, as a woman; the independent woman I am - without the hat of a single parent. 

To play. As a woman. Playfulness as an adult - was missing. 

My female friends encouraged me to find a fling. Truly! Apparently, a good shag would cure me - but I’d already tried the ‘man, penis, fulfilment’ thing and my heart was somewhere orbiting earth in a thousand tiny, obliterated pieces. Perish the idea of opening my legs again, other than a compulsory pap smear. 

No. I did not want to be intimate with anyone AGAIN, ever. Googolplex. Infinity. I was closed for business. 

There was, however - a chance meeting that changed – all of that – irrevocably.

Two years after my divorce and I was living next to a Romanian lady. As two stereotypical middle-aged Euro women we regularly chatted over the fence after work. Whatever ails and woes we had about the world were settled right there with a cup of coffee. 

A single Mum in my forties, no family in Australia and an ex-husband living overseas, I often lamented about how loneliness would creep in after dark when the house was quiet.  I lay there in the dead of night for years on my own. My comfort was the silent sighs of sleeping children. I missed the softness of adult touch but not ready to seek out another man again. 

One evening, I was bemoaning the fact that when I take off my bra and look in the mirror, I am reminded of the NYE Ball Drop in Times Square, times two. That I might crush a man’s toes with my large southward heading tits. 

My dear sweet neighbour hastily disappeared in the dark and reappeared again at the fence with a plastic ALDI bag. She was obsessed with that place. She passed the bag over with stealth.

“Chelley” she said in her strong Romanian accent under her breath. “Zis one -  I call ze W, take it. It has an infa red suction with ten speeds. Ze W never let me down. Learn how to please yourself first, then fuck a guy with good relflexes. You’re welcome”.

Don’t say it. Sanitisers guarantee 99.9% of all germs eradicated in one squirt and with an entire drawer full of dildos, my neighbour was swapping the alphabet with local ladies like old used teabags. When I went on my first mission with ze W - I was not second in second-hand. Yet. I live to tell the tale. 

My clit did not fall off.

That night. I had the best orgasm of my life. Ever. 

My clitoris did not die along with my divorce – it just woke up!

Not one person ever suggested or pointed to any knowledge growing up that as a woman I am specifically designed to enjoy sexual pleasure, not sexual intercourse (which I am capable of) but made for sexual pleasure for myself.

You don’t know, what you don’t know.

I am a heterosexual woman. I love masculinity. It is a huge turn on for me. But? How is it that I have spent the entirety of my sex life expecting men to know how to pleasure me when I don’t know how my own body works or how to pleasure myself - properly?

Did you know – fact – that approximately 80% of women can’t reach an orgasm through vaginal penetration alone – because our bodies aren’t wired that way! This crazy fact fascinated me to the point of taking a sex coaching course and I am now qualified.

Years of social conditioning about myself predetermined as a baby-maker had to be unlearned and reprogrammed as a primal sexual woman. 

Because this is exactly what I am. 

What I have been missing for all my sexual years was an intimate loving, playful relationship - with myself. 

Now, this renewed knowledge didn’t mean I was about to date with the intent of a good shag – it was the opposite. Without the ides of sexual obligation within a relationship – I could take my time to reignite my sexuality. 

Every step of the dating journey – kissing, being naked and intimate again has been a slow burn. Learning how to be sexually liberated has taken time. And. There is no rush. 

Taking a leap of courage to date again is the first step – and only you can decide what pace works for you – what you want to explore, how you explore and with whom – it’s a personal choice.

The other eye-popping self discovery when I started to date again - was that I need an aligned mental connection with someone before my clothes fall off – so even a lusty night swinging from chandeliers means dissecting Homer’s The Illiad as foreplay - and let me tell you – that is a passion killer for most men. I’m just hard-wired that way. 

I’ve even discovered that there’s a term for it – called sapiosexual   

The conclusion for me - Before seeking out pleasure with someone, I had to make friends with my playfulness. Stop being uptight & serious, Shelley! Go out and date, expect the unexpected, don’t be rigid in my intentions - and if it doesn’t work out - date some more!

With this mindset - a profound change happened: my playfulness became my pleasure. 

For the first time, I was open to ALL realms of what could possibly please – ME - when I’ve spent my entire life pleasing and serving others. It was a wild epiphany! My body stirred, my mind liberated and my heart – still closed to loving another – but ready to love myself again.

Unapologetic, unashamed and uncompromised, I now say ‘this is what I want, this is what I like, this is how I like it and this is what I need’. 

Being single again gave me the opportunity to take the time to reacquaint with – me!

There will always be judgement from others. But when you are single – and like me over forty – I can do what I like! I don’t care what anyone else thinks. 

It was the beginning of a delicious and unexpected transformation. Cyndi Lauper was on the money, “Girls just wanna have fun – and adult women need even more”!

I dated alot, I found romance a couple of times and I had a casual mutually beneficial - friend - with benefits arrangement. This didn’t last very long because over time – I was ready to fall in love again. 

Let’s get you out into the world to play on your dates. The big question tonight is – how do you set yourself up for success on a first date?

If you’ve gone through all of the hoops, you are going on a date with a verified human – not a bot – you’ve been curious about photos being recent so there are no surprises, you’ve spoken and asked the questions you need to know and you are anticipating a mutually enjoyable meet up – then what else is there to think about?

The pre- date thinking looks like this for me:

§  You want to enjoy your first date and not live in fear – so:

§  I learnt to set up those first few dates in a public space. To really get to know someone.

§  I always give a friend or babysitter my tracker – so they knew where I am.

§  I’ve had my drink spiked on an occasion - a long time ago – it was serious and I ended up in hospital – so that means for me not leaving my drinks on any table – especially when I go to the bathroom.

§  I don’t get drunk on first dates.

§  I set up a time to be home – and stick to it. 

§  I schedule an uber pick up.

§  The first date is setting up compatibility, attraction and the beginning of trust.

§  For me – it is a framework for safety. No 1. 

For my pre-date getting ready routine: 

§  I find an outfit that makes me slay the date – if I’m stood up – and I have been a couple of times - I want to keep my confidence up – and not take it personally – it’s a personal preference on their part – and I will stay out anyway, if it crashes  & burns early – I’ll often find a place to go and eat and enjoy being by myself for a couple of hours. It’s often the only ‘me’ time I have – why waste it!

§  My playlist – even if you are juggling children’s dinners and kids bedtime routines for a babysitter – can you find a track or two to get you into the mood? You feel nervous meeting someone for the first time – there is nothing comfortable about it. 

§  I’ve curated a playlist on Spotify for tonights Episode  - Late Night & Lonely – Episode 5 – Play – some to get ready to - so you can head out with a spring in your step, some lullaby tracks for after a date when you are home - and a few spicy ones when you realise you are an adult with a pulse.

On the way to the date: 

§  I expect the unexpected – to be surprised and delighted but also - to expect disappointment when there isn’t chemistry – because this is 99 out of 100 dates. By the end of the date – you know either way.

§  Ultimately -  I let my pheromones talk – because – you don’t know anything until you meet in person. The good have outweighed the bad – I always exit my house in hope – not desperation – there’s a difference!

And: 

§  If – you do decide to back out – think about how you’d like to be treated. A text takes ten seconds. Don’t leave a person - that is anticipating your company – without knowing where they stand. Lead with kindness. Respect, empathy & compassion are free - & Karma is a bitch with a price. What goes around, comes around. 

§  If it’s not right for you or you don’t feel comfortable – you can change your mind. But communicate that – that’s what phones are for - lead with respect and kindness. 

Lastly – the most  important part is the pre-date chat – that you have with the other person. My mantra in life and with dating is ‘how do I set myself up for success on a date?’ and  - it looks like this – for me:

§  I don’t give out my address – or my children’s details or school.

§  I establish my intent at the start. 

§  If both of your intent is a night of passion – then go for it! If you want a platonic date – go for that and make that clear! If you’re open to whatever happens – great for you!

§  I establish my boundaries of consent at the start. 

§  You can call this rigid & a prude – but for me this is prudent. I’ll tell you why:

§  As I’ve said – I’m not in a hurry to find love or have sex – so there are date rules – for me.

§  At the beginning of my dating journey - I set up a ‘no kissing on a first date’ rule.

§  Why? From my experience of dates crashing & burning badly - because of kissing.

§  My first ever dates  – regardless of any chemistry – ended up with a guy lunging in for a kiss or being asked – can I kiss you – and both of these scenarios – if you are not attracted to them - saying ‘no thanks’ to the face – becomes a really shitty, awkward position for both of you. 

§  One guy went as far as taking his shirt off in a bar – and saying – why don’t you want to kiss me? Why don’t you want this? What’s wrong with this? And immediately – I’ve felt concerned with how to respond – not knowing – if I say ‘no thanks again’ where it will go? 

§  After dates like this – I decided to check in on the phone beforehand – are you happy to meet platonically? So that - there’s no assumption that it will go anywhere physically! Then – if neither person – is into it – then we both bow out with our dignity intact. Not into each other. No problem!

§  But, even when it’s agreed at the outset– after a couple of drinks – I’m physically pulled in for a kiss – and it spirals really quickly. 

§  It becomes a discussion about why a cheeky kiss is not an option – am I that bad? Are you that frigid? Just a kiss, c’mon? Why can’t you just have sex with me? We are two 40 year old single adults – let’s just fuck? What’s your problem? You’re a tease?

§  I’ve been asked it all – and saying ‘no thanks’ is not a position anyone wants to be placed in.

§  NUMBER 1 -  You need consent to kiss. NUMBER 2 - Read the cues and – ask – do you want to go on another date - how difficult is that? If the answer is no – don’t be offended! You are not going to be desired by everyone. Most dates won’t feel mutual but some will blow your mind, they feel so good!

§  Success is saying at the end of a first date – both of you saying ‘I’d love to meet you again – to get to know you more’. 

§  Set both of you up for success - to have an opinion, a feeling, a response that either way – is fine for the other person to take – positive or negatively. You don’t know what the other person is attracted to – is looking for or hoping for. Everyone has a right to say no thanks. Disappointment on the way home is far better than being served straight up rejection to your face. For me. 

§  Either way you will be on the receiving end of both and you will be delivering both. Make friends with disappointment and rejection – and learn how to let someone else down – gently. 

§  The men I’ve dated that respectfully meet – without any physical assumption or pursuit – made me feel comfortable and at ease.

§  Some of my platonic first dates  – turned into friendships. A date with a documentary filmmaker and we ended up working together. 

§  There are many possibilities – other than a romantic end game. So – set yourself up for success. Be open to friendships and see where it takes you. And if sparks do fly mutually – well, you do what feels good for you!

§  The anticipation of the moment that you meet - feels bloody awful but usually both of you are tense and nervous. So, you can sit into each others awkward. 

§  My crudest advice – is to ask questions, listen and be interested. People generally, love talking about themselves, we are our most knowledgeable subject! 

§  I overheard a ‘first date over coffee’ recently in Sydney. He did most of the nervous talk, filling the awkward silences with his love of travelling and learning to speak Japanese. Her first question in response was ‘are you tidy?’ It flatlined. He answered with a heavy sigh, no. No, I’m not actually. I heard his honesty ricochet for both of them. There goes another sunny Sunday morning in Sydney! Oh, I’ve been there. 

§  On your first date - you are going out to play – only. Be curious, be interested – and be you. 

Finding my playfulness meant that I enjoyed meeting people on dates. I met a myriad of really lovely men. 

In that moment of opening yourself to an emotional connection, sometimes you are forced to question what you truly want in a relationship - it does become clear with what is important TO YOU. This takes time.

Do your children need to approve, how important is it for someone to belong in your world – are you aligned in your values or parenting styles? Do you have any non – negotiables? As an older, more mature single person, be prepared to re-discover yourself. Some dates bring joy, others encourage us to stop and rethink what kind of person we are and who we want to bring into our world. 

My last bedtime story tonight – is about that moment when your first date brings an unexpected glimpse of hope – and a slap of online dating reality.

Tonight’s bedtime story is called: Meet My Wife.

This guy was Internationally known, came with a reputation. We totally hit it off in our first phone conversation. We didn’t live in the same city. First date – at dinner – he said ‘ my wife would like….’ This threw me. He cast me a look. He charmed me, effortlessly. 

It had been about 18 months since I had really truly physically attracted to a guy. I was hopeful that I could get to know him more. Is romance possible again for me? I was ready for it. 

The interesting thing is that on our second date we held hands only – he said ‘no kissing’. That – once he crosses that line – he would pursue a full courtship. He was old school. Sex will take a while for him too. He was really looking for the next ‘the one’. He didn’t entertain hook ups and like me – he had dated a lot and nothing stirred. I liked this. 

On the third date. We kissed. Once. He said he was ‘all in’ – but he had big decisions to make.

The ‘next step’ – he wanted me to meet his older teens – as soon as possible. He was very upfront about this– he needed approval from his teenage boys first before it moved forward.  As a proud family man, his children are the centre of his world. 

I understood the scrutiny on meeting them but was open to his children taking me as I am. I sit into myself like a comfy armchair and am my authentic self. If they don’t like me, so be it.

Date No 4 was attending an award ceremony with him - an award recipient. It would be a fun night out and his eldest children would be there by his side. They were really invested in meeting me as they wanted him to fall in love again – he was as lonely as I was. 

Some of you will think that this is too early to talk about step parenting – but timing plays a huge part in the success of romance. If you are not open to it at that point in time, then it won’t go anywhere even if they want it to. So, you have to both be ready for romance. Both of us – wanted to get off the dating train – this was very clear.

I liked him – but not yet ready to introduce him to MY children. Guarded, it would take me a lot longer to know if this man could be a part of my life. 

But. It was not to be. What unfolded next, set my openness to love again – backwards - tenfold.

The night before the event - he called me sobbing in absolute despair – that he had to – unexpectedly - leave the country in two weeks and leave his Australian born children behind, not knowing when he would ever return. Citing visa reasons, living in Australia on a soon to be expired residency. Legitimate reasons – his social media accounts were proof of this. I said, I’d wait - and we could stay in touch – and this was an absolute no! The devastating news meant that he was battening down the hatches and spending every single minute with his children and did not want to entertain furthering a relationship with so much uncertainty. 

Timing. 

It was a wild abrupt ending. I was completely stumped. All in to all out in one phone call. 

We were social media connected, and his posts dropped into my feed. I saw the posts about spending his last few days with his children – I witnessed the countdown to his departure.

I saw his sadness and felt hopeless.

He called me the night before leaving – again in despair, discussing the legal battle he was about to begin -  not knowing when he would return to his children. His plan was to head off to America for six months – on a business tour. I remained hopeful – that he would come to his senses. But. He reiterated – not to stay in contact. This really is goodbye.

It was an odd conversation. We’d had the ‘goodbye’ chat a few weeks ago.

Trust your gut. 

That night, was the very last time we ever spoke. I was so sad for him. But unable to be the nurse to his head or heart, it was a forced letting go. His decision. Done.

The next day, there were big goodbye photo’s at the airport with his children. A man heartbroken. I watched on like a spectator at the cinema. I was sad. I was worried how he might cope in the next few days, flying away from his babies, alone.

The next morning, he posted a live Instagram story. Click.

The photos unfolded like this: a jeep hire car from an airport in a foreign country with palm tree’s and sunshine as a backdrop, click - two coffee cups in the front seat and the next photo – a silhouette of a woman looking out towards the ocean from a beach hotel. 

Click. Next, a sunset evening. A beautiful woman I recognised from Australia with a lei around her neck in a bikini, a cocktail in hand and – him – glowing - next to her. Next, lying on beach chairs by an aqua-lit pool. Followed by a ‘morning after photo’ against a piercing sun – him standing proud and beaming with a bicep emoji and big smile captioned ‘best night ever’. 

It took a few minutes to process. The visa was true, leaving the country was true. But this omission, floored me. It had taken me about 18 months to meet someone that had the hallmarks of a romance. It never ever crossed my mind – that there could be another woman.

I had spent three weeks feeling sorry for this man and hoping I might be able to somehow ease his pain. Is it true – that all of this time – there was another woman planning together a six month tour of the US?!

In the throes of utter disbelief – I was drawn to look at this live instagram story again. I mean, I am reducing myself to high school behaviour.

This time. I was unable to view it. Blocked. Every line of contact we had – blocked. Instagram, whatsapp, phone number. 

Within an hour of me viewing his authentic life through the transparent lens of social media - he had blocked me - completely. It blew my tiny mind.

Even after meeting someone in person, there are no rules of etiquette with online dating.

I had absolutely convinced myself that this guy was honourable. Depth & dexterity. A man of his word. 

The realisation is that a handful of dates is never enough to trust someone. It was a sharp reminder of how much an impulse of the heart governs the logic of the head. A stirring feeling intoxicates our senses and renders us incapable of rationale thought. 

I had been Romeo - where for art thou Romeo – sitting under a tree writing poetry and daydreaming. 

I sat for a while wondering - why. Why not be transparent? 

The immature and pathetic action of blocking me in middle age is an exit point. I let go and move on. 

Because, the sobering reality is that honesty & transparency are MY non - negotiables. 

There is one clear lesson for me with loving people and dating again and it is to live with honesty at the forefront of everything that I do. Integrity is a verb. Honesty is a living action. Whether I love again or not. Living an honest life is unwavering. 

And so, the last question of Episode 5 – is - how honest are you prepared to be when moving forwards into your next chapter? 

As you rediscover your playfulness, as you live with authenticity - how much importance do you place on your own integrity? What values are important to you in the people you want to invite into your world? Think about it. Carve a life that is on your terms. 

In your new chapter you can you can evolve into a more aware, conscious and conscientious person. 

Some dates will confront you. They serve to distil the life you want and ultimately the LOVE you deserve.

I hope you take the time to give yourself permission to take off all your hats to live & play. 

Next episode:

In the next episode, Episode 6 – it is the final in this short six part series. I speak of love and the pursuit of it. Perhaps our greatest love is not in the places where we seek to find it.

I do hope you’ll join me for my last bedtime story, next week. 

Feel free to send me your questions or watch 60 second snackable topics at Late Night & Lonely on Instagram & tiktok.

Feel free to send me your questions or watch 60 second snackable topics at Late Night & Lonely on Instagram & I’ve curated Late Night & Lonely Playlists for each Episode - on Spotify!

I would like to bid you goodnight in the only way that I know. I’m an old hippy at heart.

Take a deep breath. Remember - we are under the same sky, with the same stars and the same magnificent oceans around us. We are a formidable force and we are insignificant all at the same time. Wherever you are, shine your beacon of light, don’t ever doubt yourself, back yourself. 

I am here living my own chaotic imperfect path. You are not alone in your loneliness. 

Wishing you the sweetest of dreams & the strength & courage for the new day tomorrow. 

Goodnight my global friend,

Shelley 

This podcast is produced by unscripted&co - Be inspired. One. Story. At A time.